"It's as if my children are awakening in me repressed hurts and fears that I don't wish to feel. It's far easier to detach, fix, coerce, manage or abandon ship than it is to simply be present. However, if I'm not willing to own my fears and emotions, my children must continue to act them out on my behalf. While at times it's a tough pill to swallow, the more I accept the above to be true, the more harmony and joy fills our family." -- Luma, TheFatherGuide
Somehow, we as parents seem to be gifted with the perfect child for us. Children always seem to awaken whatever we need to heal. If we can accept that gift with an open heart, we transform. If we resist, and blame our child for "misbehaving," it's almost like blaming the mirror for our reflection. And we burden our child with our own unfinished business.
How can we heal our own baggage, to become the parents our children deserve?
1. Parent consciously. If we pay attention, we find the wounds that need healing; we know where we're over-reacting, where we need to examine our own “stuff.” And truthfully, most of it is our own stuff. Not that kids don't act like kids -- they always do! But what bothers some parents would be greeted by others with a calm, warm, even humorous attitude that helps kids WANT to behave. Whenever we get "triggered" we've stumbled on something that needs healing. I know that can be hard to accept, but if your buttons are getting pushed, they're YOUR buttons. If you didn't have a button there, you could respond calmly to your child's behavior and set limits without losing your temper.
2. Break the cycle by using your inner Pause button. When your emotions are "triggered," your child looks like the enemy. You can't be the parent your child deserves at those times. Even if you're already well down the wrong path, STOP. Take a deep breath and hit the pause button. Remind yourself of what's about to happen unless you choose another course. Walk out of the room. Don't be embarrassed; you're modeling good anger management. It's when you have a tantrum that you should be embarrassed. (See Handling Your Own Anger.)
3. Acknowledge the emotions without taking action. You can heal your emotional triggers by noticing the sensations they produce in your body but not taking action based on them. That doesn't mean thinking about what happened and getting all tangled up in the story line, which will just mire you in the muck. We feel emotions in the body. So noticing the feeling simply means noticing the sensations in your body. When you welcome what you're feeling but resist the urge to act on it, while holding yourself with compassion, the emotions begin to dissipate. That dissolves the old emotional trigger.
4. Get support in working through your baggage. Parenting support groups and courses can be invaluable in supporting you to re-frame your parenting. Therapy and coaching are designed to help you heal old issues and move forward more happily in your life. There is no shame in asking for help. The shame would be in reneging on your responsibility as a parent by visiting your own issues on your child. If you think you need help, please don't wait. Give yourself the support you need.
5. De-Stress. We all have a harder time being the best parents we can be when we’re stressed out. Just say No to electronics when you're with your kids, given that you're much more likely to yell at your child if you're trying to focus on a screen. Develop a repertoire of habits that help you de-stress: regular exercise, yoga, hot baths, meditation. Can’t find the time? Involve the whole family. Put on music and dance together, go for a walk in the woods, put everyone to bed with books early on Friday night for a quiet, relaxing evening and catching up on your sleep.
When we aren't carrying a full backpack of our own tangled-up emotions, we become more accepting of our child's emotions. Attachment research shows that when parents are able to accept the full range of their child's feelings, the child becomes better able to manage his emotions and soothe himself. Naturally, he's more able to manage his behavior. So the gift comes full circle, making parenting easier.
No matter how much we work on ourselves, we'll never be perfect. That's okay; we're human. Kids don't need perfect parents. But if we pay attention, use our inner Pause buttons, and keep our stress at manageable levels, we can usually manage ourselves well enough to liberate ourselves -- and our children -- from our own pasts. Breaking that cycle is the greatest gift we can give a child.