In the first part of this two-part post, I discussed one of the major stresses for families during the holidays—travel. But beyond that, a greater challenge that many face involves coming together and avoiding the inevitable clashes that may occur.
I will never forget one of the first therapy rotations I did during graduate school at our university counseling center. We were coming upon our Winter break and I assumed therapy visits would be down as our generally happy college students would be off to their families for an extended break and respite. But on the contrary, that was when demand sky-rocketed. Students expressed worries about finding themselves while away at school, and shared concerns that their families would not accept the more authentic version of themselves. Others came from demanding and sometimes critical parents and were anxious about returning to such a home environment.
Although Hallmark Christmas films paint a picture of joyous families coming together, watching the magic of tree lightings and carolers, reality is not always so Norman Rockwell. Babies may be screaming, the turkey may be burned, and you might just want to find a room to hide in. But there are other ways of dealing with holiday mayhem that precludes the mayhem part in its entirety. Enter Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. Gifted to me by my parents nearly three years ago, I finally sat down to read it, and was moved by its simplicity and profundity.
Essentially the book is about four agreements to change one’s life and perspective. They are messages we have heard before but perhaps not truly reflected upon. As I sat down to write this post, I realized there were countless ways that I, as a psychologist, could go on discussing the various “tips and tricks” of dealing with difficult family dynamics. And then I realized I could just as easily use the four agreements to state just the same. While of course, it is impossible to capture the prose and spiritual facility of the tome’s author, below is my attempt to illuminate ways that the agreements can in fact be used not only every day, but during the holidays in particular.
1) Be Impeccable With Your Word
In his book, Don Miguel Ruiz starts off with what he describes as one of the simplest and most difficult agreements to make with oneself. He shares that our words are deeply powerful with the ability to enter our subconscious minds in a remarkable way. Off-handed remarks, unpleasant teases, all can impact us more readily than we may realize. He advises that we ultimately be highly deliberate with our words as they can create emotional poison.
Think about a time when you were stewing about a situation that occurred. Every time you re-told the story, you likely re-experienced those same tough emotions almost as though you were going through it again for the first time. Why put energy into such negativity? Our emotional energies can deplete us quickly as we have all experienced. The same way an emotional high can send us through the roof and give us energy to keep going, negative emotions can make us feel lethargic and paralyzed. The words we give voice to impact this. Furthermore, Ruiz talks about gossip as one of the worst forms of creating such energies. As we know, gossip often does little else than to put down others and have us revel in their misery. But why even do this? Why not instead devote your energy to words that promote and love and compassion? How do we relate this to the holidays? Well first, lay off the gossip. It doesn’t directly impact you that uncle Bill is wearing the same holiday sweater for the third year in a row. Instead, compliment grandma on her pie. Start a conversation on the positive things you are looking forward to in the New Year. Shift the emotional valence of your words to something more engergetically positive.
2) Don’t Take Anything Personally
The second agreement is naturally easier said than done. But beyond asking us to simply not take things personally, it challenges us to realize that what others say or do has absolutely nothing to do with us. It is akin to several of the cognitive thinking errors that psychologists often discuss—personalization and mind-reading. We often jump to conclusions (also another thinking error) that we know exactly what someone is thinking. We are quick to assume something was intended to be a jab at us even though the comment may have been completely innocent. Sometimes we can feel so sensitive and vulnerable that the slightest comment can be magnified (thinking error) beyond a reasonable scope.
Just the other day I had a patient who got into an argument with a sibling who was home visiting for the holidays. The sibling said many hurtful things. We discussed though that the message of what this sibling was saying was ultimately completely irrelevant. Why were they initiating an attack in the first place, I asked, unless they were unhappy with themselves? Content individuals often do not go around picking fights. They do so sometimes to distract themselves from deeper issues going on within themselves. Even if this was not the case, the attack had nothing to do with the patient per se.
3) Don’t Make Assumptions
The practice of not making assumptions also combines a number of commonly discussed thinking errors that psychologists frequently reference. Not making assumptions is described by Ruiz as often assuming that others know exactly what we want and are thinking (mind-reading). We then feel slighted when someone fails to meet this expectation. Furthermore, we assume we know the intentions and motivations of others erroneously.
During the holidays, we may assume many things. We might assume our partner knows exactly what we want for a gift. We may assume our in-laws will be unhappy with something we do or say. There are hundred and thousands of thoughts and assumptions we may have that are all ultimately flawed. So when you come upon a situation, take pause and ask yourself if you are making any assumptions that have no basis in reality. We do this so many times out of habit that this may be one of the toughest agreements to make.
4) Always Do Your Best
Doing your best is perhaps my favorite agreement as a therapist. It encourages us to be kind and compassionate toward ourselves across many domains. It not only allows us to forgive ourselves for possibly struggling with implementing the aforementioned assumptions, but it also invokes a Taoist mentality. The agreement asks that we do things because we enjoy them, not because they are an obligation. The idea is that when we naturally do the things that make us happy, they are not work. We are not suffering.
How do we do this though, without being selfish during the holidays? For starters, you take care of yourself. You schedule down time as tough as it might be, even for a limited amount of time. No one will argue with you going to the gym for 15 minutes. You can also learn to be flexible to allow for inclusion of things you naturally enjoy with family. Say a family dinner is anxiety provoking, but you naturally love spending time with children. Volunteer to sit at the kid’s table and supervise instead of putting yourself in a situation that will have your blood pressure rising. Maybe the family Christmas cookie baking is not enjoyable, but you have a natural knack for stringing lights, or are an expert gift-wrapper. There will almost always be a way to integrate something that naturally works for you without putting out others. Essentially it’s about learning to compromise without sacrificing your sanity.
At the end of the day, it’s not just about practicing the four agreements during the holidays or other difficult times. It’s about taking care of yourself holistically and being mindful of those unhelpful places that your mind can wander. We all have texts and books that remind us to calm down, slow down, and be present. Perhaps make a New Year’s resolution of leaving more time for such readings. Or just put reminder quotes all up around the house. Take care, and allow yourself to have a happy holiday season and year ahead.
In the first part of this two-part post, I discussed one of the major stresses for families during the holidays—travel. But beyond that, a greater challenge that many face involves coming together and avoiding the inevitable clashes that may occur.
I will never forget one of the first therapy rotations I did during graduate school at our university counseling center. We were coming upon our Winter break and I assumed therapy visits would be down as our generally happy college students would be off to their families for an extended break and respite. But on the contrary, that was when demand sky-rocketed. Students expressed worries about finding themselves while away at school, and shared concerns that their families would not accept the more authentic version of themselves. Others came from demanding and sometimes critical parents and were anxious about returning to such a home environment.
Although Hallmark Christmas films paint a picture of joyous families coming together, watching the magic of tree lightings and carolers, reality is not always so Norman Rockwell. Babies may be screaming, the turkey may be burned, and you might just want to find a room to hide in. But there are other ways of dealing with holiday mayhem that precludes the mayhem part in its entirety. Enter Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. Gifted to me by my parents nearly three years ago, I finally sat down to read it, and was moved by its simplicity and profundity.
Essentially the book is about four agreements to change one’s life and perspective. They are messages we have heard before but perhaps not truly reflected upon. As I sat down to write this post, I realized there were countless ways that I, as a psychologist, could go on discussing the various “tips and tricks” of dealing with difficult family dynamics. And then I realized I could just as easily use the four agreements to state just the same. While of course, it is impossible to capture the prose and spiritual facility of the tome’s author, below is my attempt to illuminate ways that the agreements can in fact be used not only every day, but during the holidays in particular.
1) Be Impeccable With Your Word
In his book, Don Miguel Ruiz starts off with what he describes as one of the simplest and most difficult agreements to make with oneself. He shares that our words are deeply powerful with the ability to enter our subconscious minds in a remarkable way. Off-handed remarks, unpleasant teases, all can impact us more readily than we may realize. He advises that we ultimately be highly deliberate with our words as they can create emotional poison.
Think about a time when you were stewing about a situation that occurred. Every time you re-told the story, you likely re-experienced those same tough emotions almost as though you were going through it again for the first time. Why put energy into such negativity? Our emotional energies can deplete us quickly as we have all experienced. The same way an emotional high can send us through the roof and give us energy to keep going, negative emotions can make us feel lethargic and paralyzed. The words we give voice to impact this. Furthermore, Ruiz talks about gossip as one of the worst forms of creating such energies. As we know, gossip often does little else than to put down others and have us revel in their misery. But why even do this? Why not instead devote your energy to words that promote and love and compassion? How do we relate this to the holidays? Well first, lay off the gossip. It doesn’t directly impact you that uncle Bill is wearing the same holiday sweater for the third year in a row. Instead, compliment grandma on her pie. Start a conversation on the positive things you are looking forward to in the New Year. Shift the emotional valence of your words to something more engergetically positive.
2) Don’t Take Anything Personally
The second agreement is naturally easier said than done. But beyond asking us to simply not take things personally, it challenges us to realize that what others say or do has absolutely nothing to do with us. It is akin to several of the cognitive thinking errors that psychologists often discuss—personalization and mind-reading. We often jump to conclusions (also another thinking error) that we know exactly what someone is thinking. We are quick to assume something was intended to be a jab at us even though the comment may have been completely innocent. Sometimes we can feel so sensitive and vulnerable that the slightest comment can be magnified (thinking error) beyond a reasonable scope.
Just the other day I had a patient who got into an argument with a sibling who was home visiting for the holidays. The sibling said many hurtful things. We discussed though that the message of what this sibling was saying was ultimately completely irrelevant. Why were they initiating an attack in the first place, I asked, unless they were unhappy with themselves? Content individuals often do not go around picking fights. They do so sometimes to distract themselves from deeper issues going on within themselves. Even if this was not the case, the attack had nothing to do with the patient per se.
3) Don’t Make Assumptions
The practice of not making assumptions also combines a number of commonly discussed thinking errors that psychologists frequently reference. Not making assumptions is described by Ruiz as often assuming that others know exactly what we want and are thinking (mind-reading). We then feel slighted when someone fails to meet this expectation. Furthermore, we assume we know the intentions and motivations of others erroneously.
During the holidays, we may assume many things. We might assume our partner knows exactly what we want for a gift. We may assume our in-laws will be unhappy with something we do or say. There are hundred and thousands of thoughts and assumptions we may have that are all ultimately flawed. So when you come upon a situation, take pause and ask yourself if you are making any assumptions that have no basis in reality. We do this so many times out of habit that this may be one of the toughest agreements to make.
4) Always Do Your Best
Doing your best is perhaps my favorite agreement as a therapist. It encourages us to be kind and compassionate toward ourselves across many domains. It not only allows us to forgive ourselves for possibly struggling with implementing the aforementioned assumptions, but it also invokes a Taoist mentality. The agreement asks that we do things because we enjoy them, not because they are an obligation. The idea is that when we naturally do the things that make us happy, they are not work. We are not suffering.
How do we do this though, without being selfish during the holidays? For starters, you take care of yourself. You schedule down time as tough as it might be, even for a limited amount of time. No one will argue with you going to the gym for 15 minutes. You can also learn to be flexible to allow for inclusion of things you naturally enjoy with family. Say a family dinner is anxiety provoking, but you naturally love spending time with children. Volunteer to sit at the kid’s table and supervise instead of putting yourself in a situation that will have your blood pressure rising. Maybe the family Christmas cookie baking is not enjoyable, but you have a natural knack for stringing lights, or are an expert gift-wrapper. There will almost always be a way to integrate something that naturally works for you without putting out others. Essentially it’s about learning to compromise without sacrificing your sanity.
At the end of the day, it’s not just about practicing the four agreements during the holidays or other difficult times. It’s about taking care of yourself holistically and being mindful of those unhelpful places that your mind can wander. We all have texts and books that remind us to calm down, slow down, and be present. Perhaps make a New Year’s resolution of leaving more time for such readings. Or just put reminder quotes all up around the house. Take care, and allow yourself to have a happy holiday season and year ahead.
Follow me on Twitter at MillenialMedia.