Verified by 
On a recent trip to United Kingdom, I had a most unusual experience. It took me several days to put my finger on what I was feeling, but I finally figured out that it was respect. Over the course of four days, I was regularly “Madam’ed” and “Mum’ed,” I had the joy of watching women my age and older on television who were age-appropriately wrinkled and able to freely create facial expressions without the resistance from a Botox-induced mask, and I watched other middle aged women who seemed perfectly content to look and act their age. I experienced this respect out and about all over London and Cambridge, in taxis, public transportation, shops, and just about everywhere I went. I am sure this is not ubiquitous in the UK, but I started wondering whether there might be an advantage to having an 86-year-old Queen that I had overlooked. Perhaps having older female role models who command respect sets a precedent and an expectation.
One morning I watched Emma Thompson’s mother Phyllida Law on a morning show discussing her book How Many Camels Are There in Holland?: Dementia, Ma and Me. She was delightfully gray haired, a little tangential, and did a marvelous job discussing the challenges of recognizing the boundaries between her mother’s natural dottiness and her slide into dementia. Ms. Law is 80 and delightfully graceful. Her story described the niche of the “dotty” older woman in British society. It may be a stereotype and there may be denigrating components to it, but it is a recognized niche that might offer a respite from the expectation of perfectionism. How many niches are left for older women in current US society? If anything, it feels like we are simply trying to make older women disappear, and be neither seen nor heard.
In a 2010 interview three prominent British actresses spoke out against the ageist culture in the industry. Juliet Stevenson, Lesley Manville and Gemma Jones bemoaned the obsession with youth culture in film, television and theatre and the lack of parts for mature women. (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1282685/Older-British-actresses-pressure-cosmetic-surgery-they.html#ixzz2OPA8aF9S) It does seem that Britain does a better job of not putting their female actors out to pasture: Dame Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, Emma Thompson, Tilda Swinton are all over 50 and sport visible wrinkles.
Beyond the silver screen, older British women seem more comfortable in their skin. Sitting on a train, I watched two women who were probably in their early sixties talking excitedly with their Sicily guidebooks between them. They were unselfconscious, minimally made-up, and were treated to unsolicited assistance by younger men who helped them off the train with their luggage as if they were their own mothers. It seemed like an unwritten rule to help an older woman with her suitcase. I was struck by their sense of belonging. They were unabashed in who they were. This is in stark contrast to many of my American female friends who are going to enormous ends to conceal any visible signs of aging and who try to shrink from public awareness when not appropriately coiffed or made up.
What I noticed evolving in myself over the course of those four days was a willingness to ask questions that I might not have asked had I been in the States. Questions from older people can be seen as a bother. Personally, while I am still able, I would rather suck it up and figure something out myself than be viewed as a bother. But in London, people were actually quite helpful when I asked questions that although perhaps obvious, provided me with reassurance that I was going about something the right way. It was kind of fun. I started asking even very obvious questions to see if people would get short with me. For example, standing right in front of the platform for the Heathrow Express (very clearly marked in the trademark purple), I asked a man where the platform for the Heathrow Express was. He didn't treat me like a nutter or an irritant. He just graciously pointed, showed me where to go, and wished me a good journey. Respect again Not even any eye-rolling when I looked back to check.
I am one of many women who have written about the feeling of invisibility that middle age women in the US experience. In a survey we conducted of women 50 and beyond, one of the most common complaints was that women felt increasingly invisible and irrelevant. Women reported being overlooked or passed over in shops, having doors let go in their faces, losing their jobs, and being robbed of any meaningful roles in life. One woman lamented, “Intelligence, experience and the wisdom gained from vast experience is no longer a valued commodity by corporate America or by the young. My aging body renders me irrelevant in circles I used to thrive in."
So middle age women in the US try to combat invisibility by dieting, undergoing cosmetic surgery, working out, buffing up, dressing young, dying their hair and falling for every gimmick that promises youth and visibility. The cosmaceutical industry preys on our fear of aging and invisibility and markets products and procedures that will create the illusion that we have stopped the age train, which of course is impossible to do. The alternative to playing the game is slipping into the shadows.
I didn't realize it until I experienced the contrast in London, but I now see that I have been slipping into my own sort of invisibility at home—not so much at work where my job still requires considerable visibility—but at the mall, when travelling, when grocery shopping, and even with my family. I have found myself uttering “old talk,” which is the new term for that unhealthy commentary about being old that further dents our self-esteem.
The average life expectancy for a British woman is 81.68 years and for an American woman 80.51 years. Maybe that respect adds a year onto your life! But if women start experiencing invisibility at age 50, that’s potentially 30 years of declining relevance. What can we do? For my part, I am going to try to bring a little of that British respect back home. I am going to seek out the wisdom of older women and let them know that their life experience is meaningful to me. I am going to stop “old talk” and make sure that I am not disrespecting myself with my own words. One of my heroes, Gloria Steinem, spoke of her vision of an army of gray-haired women who joined together to be a formidable force in society. I might not be ready to go gray, but I am ready to join that army. Respect an older woman today. I never thought I’d hear myself say it, but God Save the Queen!
Read more in The Woman in the Mirror: How to Stop Confusing What You Look Like with Who You Are and Midlife Eating Disorders: Your Journey to Recovery at www.cynthiabulik.com
