Kissing is the most difficult sex act to get right. “If the eyes are the window to the soul, than the lips are the window to the heart,” says marriage counselor Tony Delmedico, my FOREPLAY podcast cohost when referencing how important kissing is to the act of lovemaking. Whether couples complain about not doing it enough, their partner being too sloppy or too stingy, being suffocated or being pecked at, a pointed hard tongue or the dead in the mouth tongue – they can’t seem to sync their style. Is anyone kissing still and kissing well?
After a study of 900 kissing couples, from Oxford University researcher Rafael Wlodarski and Professor Robin Dunbar assert that we use kissing to assess a partner, gain arousal and keep our partner. Women tend to place a greater importance on kissing as related to feelings of attachment and men tend to use kissing to gain sexual arousal
In my therapy
room, I hear men complain about the sanitation of kisses when they long for the juicy, wet kisses of earlier years. And without kissing, women are disappointed in the quality of the romance even if the sex is good.
For New Year’s Eve, to resolve both male and female needs, I’d like to present instructions for the perfect kiss.
1) Don’t miss the kiss! Whatever you do when you are at the party with your spouse – do be aware that the first New Year’s Eve kiss should go to your partner and no one else. Think about how much you’re drinking, be aware of your partner’s location and gravitate toward them as the clock nears midnight. Don’t have the “But-I-couldn’t-find-you-to-kiss-you-FIGHT” on January 1st.
2) Smile at your spouse and look them in the eyes. Ritualized kisses like the wedding kiss need to be done with intention. Communicate that you have joyfully sought out your sweetheart for this moment. Whether you took time to privately ring in the year before the party, had a big fight or even haven’t been communicating for weeks - do let this moment signify a new beginning. Don’t be petty and withhold the New Year’s Eve kiss because of a grudge.
3) Reach for your partner’s face. Touching the face not only prevents bumping noses, but it’s a romantic, intimate touch sanctioned for the public view. Do make your hands seductively, possessively claim, “You are mine.” Don’t worry about your hair or makeup.
4) Tilt your head. I hear multiple complaints about partner who don’t seem to line up their kiss right. A vertical-to-vertical head position is fine for the peck hello or good-bye. But do lean the head to the side to signify a passionate kiss about to land. Don't be stiff, self-conscious or anxious. No one is watching you; they are all having their moment too.
5) Close your eyes. Give in to the moment. Do let go! Shut out the party and everyone else in the room. Melt into your partner. Don’t think.
6) Start with slightly parted lips. A French kiss starts with moist lips (use lip balm generously during these winter months.) Do introduce your tongue secondarily after a few nibbles. Know your partner’s meeting point. Does she like your mouth over hers? Does he like to dance tongues in the middle without sealed mouths? Keep your mouth and tongue moving. It’s a tango. Lead and follow. Push and pull. Don’t stop too soon.
7) Pull your partner toward your body. Remembering you’re still in public, let your bodies’ closeness promise lovemaking to come. Do reach behind her face and entangle your fingers in her hair - increase the depth of the kiss. Clutch his coat and draw him nearer. Don’t embarrass your partner with a drunk or inappropriate grab.
Kissing is art. Make a New Year’s resolution to open the window of your heart with more lip-to-lip communiqué. Happiness always!
Join me on iTunes for my new podcast FOREPLAY - Radio Sex Therapy on February 14, 2016.