If you want the honeymoon to be just the beginning of a fulfilling sex life, spend an afternoon on the beach sharing intimate secrets of what, when, where, and how you like sex! Laying down a pattern of openness gives your sex life the needed foundation to carry you through the ups and downs of all the coming life stages.
In the beginning, sex might be sensual and seamless. Your lover-spouse knows what you want before you ask. You think this miracle-merger will last forever because you’ve found our sexual soul-mate. You’ve never felt so complete.
Or maybe sex doesn’t start hot. You hope that it will develop. You have found a good partner with similar values and look forward to cultivating a deeply satisfying sex life. No matter how we start, we all want our sex life to be satisfying, affirming, and exciting.
Intentionally working out some of the technicalities can help. Invariably, even hot lovers have human moments. An elbow gets caught, the sheets tangle, noses bump, or the two of you come apart. Emotionally, we might sense our lover is preoccupied. Or caught up in the sensual moment, they appear selfish. Maybe you need just a little something more. Maybe you’ll almost reach the peak and but can’t get over the cliff. How fast, how firm, how long you need that touch has to be communicated. Maybe you feel stunned when your partner says they are too tired for sex. Lovers-forever need to talk about all kinds of adjustments.
Begin by telling each other your fantasy for your wedding night and honeymoon. Newlyweds exhausted by guests, details, alcohol, planning, parties and excitement might postpone sex. That’s fine, if both partners agree, but it can damage sexual memories forever if one falls asleep while the other is expecting the most passionate night of their life. Reveal sexual secrets well before the wedding: don’t think the honeymoon will be the perfect time to reveal a fetish, an STD or a convoluted other relationship. If your wedding night is an actual first-time sex experience — discuss your understanding, study mechanics and technique, visit a sex therapist for premarital help and give yourself days to relax and explore each other’s bodies.
Then, take an afternoon on the honeymoon and talk about the 10 points below:
1) Share your favorite initiation fantasy. Do you like soft subtle touch? A kiss at the back of the neck? Your genitals boldly grabbed? Sexy innuendo? A starkly-obvious ask? For best results: initiate the way your lover likes it best rather than assuming you share the same preference.
2) Who should initiate and why? Do you love being the seducer or the seduced? Does your gender impact your freedom to suggest sex? Do you think you should take turns initiating? Everyone wants to feel desirable. Reinforce how sexy you find your partner with compliments, texts, phone calls, caresses, and affection frequently — especially outside the bedroom.
3) Describe the best turn-down to an initiation. Establish a “rain-check” system to limit the vulnerability of the initiator. If you suggest another time that is better, absolutely commit to remembering your offer. Decide to say “yes” or “no” and never “maybe”. Soothe the initiator’s ego by thanking them for the ask and reassuring them of their desirability. “I love the way you looked me in the eyes when you said you wanted me—trust me—you are totally sexy! But baby, I’m exhausted. Saturday night, though, I’m all yours!”
4) Make a list of all the places you want to christen with your new marital status. The master
bedroom should be the first room decorated in the house. Make it look like a hotel room, neat and restful. Don’t work there, don’t watch TV there. It’s sacred for sex and sleep.
5) Chart your energy highs and lows throughout the early weeks. When is your best time for sex? If 10a.m. in on a Tuesday is the high-time, sleep in on Saturday, roll over, and offer!
6) Find a mutual erotic language. Do you like the technical terms? Love dirty talk? Are you embarrassed by your partner’s pet names for your parts? Does your talk change when you’re more highly aroused? For comparative translation of terms, see: Sex Terms (graphic)
7) Decide on how to communicate your ideas for sex du jour. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Quickie? Rough and tumbles? Tantric sex and prolonged orgasm? Oral sex only? Passionate romance? Taking turns? Role-play and fun? Quiet, serious sex? Just need an orgasm? Over time you’ll develop a short-hand for your wishes, but in the beginning you can smooth out expectations by naming your game.
8) Touching directions should be given with more tact than you think should possibly be necessary. Practice saying things kindly and openly while building your partner’s growing confidence. Offer show and tell! Instruct your spouse about exactly what you want with positive statements. Don’t say, “stop that”. Say, “I’d love you to touch me here now,” or “Let me lie in your arms awhile.” If your partner has the courage to be explicit, don’t think they are being critical. They are letting you into the mystery of their body—there is no greater secret to confer. Don’t think your pleasure is obvious just because you reach orgasm – use words and audible sighs to reinforce your partner’s technique.
9) Talk about varying your sexual pattern to keep things interesting. What kinds of scenarios turn you on? What sex acts are exciting that you haven’t tried? Describe a fantasy night. Exchange lists of all the things you’d like to do with each other. If you disagree, wait to discuss it after the honeymoon and focus on similar ideas. Plan for a tried-and-true fallback if the new idea is a bust.
10) Share your family legacy about sex. Did your parents touch and show affection to each other? Do you know their love story? Did one pursue the other? What did they tell you about the facts of life? How do you want to be different in your new relationship from what you saw growing up?
11) Laugh at yourselves. Stuff happens to everyone in the bedroom that is awkward, embarrassing, hurtful, and frustrating. Even honeymoons can have difficult sexual moments—relax, it doesn’t mean you are sexually incompatible. Most everything can be worked out. Just like you would have frequent budget talks, check in with each other at regular intervals to see how your partner feels about your sex life.
Link for more help from Laurie Watson with SexTherapy in Raleigh, Cary, Greensboro and Chapel Hill, NC. Laurie’s book Wanting Sex Again is available on Amazon!