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“I’m not feeling well. I can’t get going.” Sharon said softly.
I remarked, “You seem sad.”
Her voice picked up as she said “I am but I don’t understand it. My life is great. I’m married to this wonderful man, have an adorable six year old daughter, a lovely home, and a satisfying career.”
I remarked, “On the surface it sounds great, but you don’t seem to feel great.”
“I’m miserable. I really don’t know why,” She said looking down.
“Describe your relationship with your husband.” I suggested.
Siting up straight, Sharon said, “We are open, honest with each other and, we communicate in a clear, direct way.”
“That sounds good.” I commented.
She said, “It is good, but lately I don’t know. I think it has to do with Mariela.”
“What about Mariela?”
Looing angry she said, “She’s Harry’s latest lover.”
I asked, “How do you feel about Harry having affairs?”
“We both have affairs. Our marriage is not a conventional one, but I knew that going into it.“ She said.
“How is it not conventional?” I inquired.
She explained in a matter of fact tone. “It’s a sexually open marriage. Harry is liberal and doesn’t believe in monogamy. He explained that sex got stale with one person and extramarital affairs brought greater satisfaction, excitement and deeper intimacy to the marriage. So I tried it and I must say, it was great, for a while that is.”
“Why for only a while?” I asked.
“I kind of got jealous of Mariela. She was so exotic, drop dead gorgeous, with an amazing body.” She looked perturbed.
“How do you know so much about her?” I wondered.
She said, “Our relationship is transparent and we tell each other about our lovers.”
“Uh huh”, I commented.
She went on, “It’s a turn on. We get off by telling each other about our sexual experiences with others. My orgasms are so thrilling when he talks about his lovers. He doesn’t get jealous of my affairs, and I was pretty good till this Mariela. I’m ashamed that I’m jealous.”
I asked, “Why are you ashamed?”
She said, “We set up rules, that we were deeply committed to each other, and that other lovers would never be a threat. I was in agreement with Harry that we love each other and would always have each other’s back, so there was no reason for jealousy. But I am jealous, so I must be weak”
I countered her, “Actually the literature shows that jealousy is the main problem in sexually open marriages.”
Tears of frustration welled up, “But I thought I was this modern woman, a true feminist who could engage in the same sexual practices as men.”
I explained “Once again the research indicates that women were mainly jealous, not men. That’s because women are born to bond. In my book The New Science of Love (2011), I talk about studies that have shown a close relationship between the neural underpinnings of maternal love and romantic love. Neurochemicals like Oxytocen and Vassopressen promote bonding, loyalty, devotion, empathy, attunement, and emotional resonance for women.”
She asked, “Why then, are some women happy in sexually open marriages and don’t get jealous?”
I explained, “We are all different. Some of us have more of these neurochemicals than others so we bond more and get more attached”.
Sharon said, “I am definitely one of these women, but I want to be more liberal, confident, and secure in my marriage. I can’t get over his relationship with Mariela. He told me she’s sexy, and interesting. I saw her picture and she’s stunning.”
“Have you discussed your feelings with Harry?” I asked.
She responded, “I have, but he says he loves me, not her.”
“You’ve said that your relationship is open and honest. So do you believe him?” I asked.
A sad look crossed her face, “I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense but I believe other things Harry says but not this. I see the glow on his face when he talks about her. I think he loves her.”
“Do you think he’s lying to you? “ I asked.
Looking forlorn, Sharon said, “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just insecure. Maybe this type of marriage is not really for me.”
“Perhaps we can examine your childhood to see why you entered into this type of marriage and why you are struggling with it now” I suggested.
Raised in the Midwest, Sharon’s parents were conservative, religious, and strict. She went to a Catholic elementary and high school. She followed the rules at school and at home. Sharon was studious, quiet, and demure. She was the perfect angel. Unwittingly, Sharon had disavowed her more carefree, fun loving side.
Ally, Sharon’s younger sister, was quite a different child and adolescent. She was wild, out of control, smoked cigarettes, drank, and was sexually promiscuous by the age of 16. Ally was the perfect devil.
Sharon’s grades were stellar so that she was accepted into a secular Ivy League college and grad school. Exposed to a more liberal education and classmates, Sharon was influenced by the Women’s Studies Classes and the feminist movement of the sixties. She began to date and lost her virginity at age 20 to a young man who cheated on her.
In her next relationship she turned the tables and cheated on her partner. Although her curiosity about more than one sexual partner was whetted, she did not go wild.. She laughed telling me she thought she was turning into her sister, Ally. Indeed, Ally the devil had more fun than Sharon the angel.
Then, Sharon met Harry. She was working for a hedge fund and Harry was one of the principles of the firm. Although this was a Fortune 500 company, Harry wore jeans and a T-shirt to work, was friendly, and laughed a lot. They met on the elevator in the building and he quickly engaged her in conversation. She found him easy to talk to and easy to look at. In a short time after their meeting he asked to take her to dinner. Although she eschewed work place romance, Harrys charm and easy relaxed manner won the day.
The romance flourished and Sharon fell madly in love with Harry. He was her everything, so when he wanted a sexually open relationship, she agreed.
Alas, Sharon had mixed feelings. Growing up she resented Ally who worried her parents so much, yet she envied her freedom and fun. The sexually open relationship brought inner conflicts to Sharon as part of her believed that marriage was sacred and she was sinning; another part of her wanted so much to let go of her upbringing and give Harry everything he wanted that including polygamy.
In therapy, Sharon is gaining insight and feels torn but she is feeling stronger. She realizes that a modern woman does not sacrifice her values and submit to her husband’s desires that are in conflict with hers. She has gained the strength to explain her feelings to Harry and that this lifestyle is painful to her. To her surprise, he is about to try a monogamous relationship with her. The reason? Harry loves Sally that much.
They are reworking the marriage focusing on their interactions, their children, family events, and how to please each other and rekindle the flame of desire.
For more on bonding, love, and rekindling the flame of a relationship read my book The New Science of Love: How Understanding the Brain’s Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship Sourcebooks, Casablanca, 2011.
Email: drpraver@cs.com
