We all know the couple with the fairy-tale marriage. He is adorning of her in public. She often sports new sparkles. He is also a good father. Their marriage is so perfect you that often asked yourself if it was too good to be true. Then one day you realize -- it was. When someone is deceptive, just a glance and women’s intuition can turn a world upside down.
For many couples it happens unpredictably—the way he looks at another woman, the hushed phone call. Once reality sets in, there are many scenarios as to how women deal with the decision to go or stay. Here are 3 thoughts, plus a longer creative approach—the risks and benefits list.
Three thoughts with regard to infidelity
A thought-through solution
In the wake of the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce—which she kept secret until the denouement—I began reviewing creative alternatives women had discussed with me regarding divorce. This particular story reminds me of the work of researchers who suggest maintaining positive illusions.
An attorney who had taken time off to follow the Mommy-track realized that she had put on a bit too much weight to fit into her pencil skirted suits, and she had let her gray strands multiply. Nonetheless she didn’t want to feel like the suspicious, rejected wife and so she took control by:
Benefits of staying in the marriage
The risks of leaving him
Her decision because she loved him
The most significant factor—she loved him and wanted to save their marriage. As such, she scheduled dinner for them at a favorite restaurant and before the evening ended she gave him two choices and one ultimatum.
She explained that she believed he was having an affair, but she loved him very much – and without letting him interrupt she said:
Her story is unusual, but in fact 10 years later the marriage is still intact and she never again discussed that moment of infidelity—even with me.
Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., in a recent column here talked of the 12 ties that bind. Not surprisingly this is number one.
Thinking positively about your partner. Having positive thoughts about your partner means that you focus on the good, not the bad, in your partner’s personal qualities and character. Ruminating about the things that bother you can only lead you to magnify the small foibles which will make your partner even more irritating to you than you would otherwise feel. People in good relationships engage in “sentiment override,” meaning that they remember more of the favorable than the unfavorable experiences they’ve shared together. The 12 Ties that Bind Long-Term Relationships
Maintain positive illusions about a spouse.
From the research of Marcel Zentner, Ph.D., of the University of Geneva: "Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other." How to make love last.
Also it is important to be mindful of your partner's unique, genuine qualities and stay in touch with these during happy as well as difficult times.
Copyright 2012 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved