How to Find a Husband if You Only Have 60 Seconds

Let’s have some fun with a thought experiment.

Suppose you are a single woman who has only 60 seconds to find a husband.

Never mind how outrageous this sounds, assume for the sake of fantasy that it’s a real problem with a real deadline.

Maybe you are on reality TV and will get $1,000,000 for finding the best mate you can in an absurdly short time. Or, you’ve tried and failed for years to find Mr. Right, and concluded—reluctantly—that you’re so picky that you’ll never find a man the “normal way.” Thus, you’ve committed to get on with getting married and starting a family….in 60 seconds.

Oh, and one more thing. Your only criteria for picking a husband is intelligence. Maybe what matters most to you is interesting dinner conversations, or having smart children, or marrying a man who can bring home a decent paycheck….or all of the above.

In any case looks don’t count, sense of humor doesn’t count, weight doesn’t count. All that counts is brains.

How would you find your Mr. Bright?

Smart man, hairy chest. Need I say more?

Source: "Mark Twain, Shirtless 1883," Mark Twain Papers, Bancroft Library, University of California at Berkeley

Well, 60 seconds isn’t long enough to serially administer IQ tests to prospective mates—even if you could gather a bunch of them into one place at one time—so you need a quick and dirty solution.

It turns out that Science offers a number of quick and dirty solutions. All you have to do is pick the right time and place, and let the magic of statistical research do the rest.

By right time and place, I mean a location where the lighting is decent and there are lots of single men crammed into a relatively small place. A speed dating venue might work; a crowded beach during the peak of holiday season would be better. Busy singles bars could be OK too, but you might want to bring a flashlight for reasons I’ll get to shortly.

The bottom line is that—to some extent—you can judge a book by its cover when it comes to IQ.

Statistics show a positive correlation between intelligence and the following physical characteristics:

• Hairiness. Yes, lots of turf on the chest, back and forearms, on average, suggests higher intellect. No one knows why, but research by Psychiatrist Aikarakudy Alias supports this weird conclusion. That’s why a crowded beach is the best option to spot your next husband quickly: you don’t have to ask prospective mates to unbutton their shirts. That’s also why you’d want a flashlight in a singles bar: such establishments tend to be dim.
• Blue eyes. Again, we don’t know why, but there is a correlation between blue eyes and quick minds. At a beach or speed dating venue you can spot eye color quickly, but in a singles bar you’ll probably need that flashlight. And who knows, shining a light in man’s face could be a great way to get their attention and make you stand out from the competition.
• Nearsightedness. There are lots of theories on why myopia is associated with higher IQ. Perhaps smarter people read more at a young age and strain their eyes. Or maybe the genes that cause men to wear glasses also make them smarter. Who knows or cares? You don’t have time to ponder this mystery, you just need a quick way to tell if a man is myopic. With only 60 seconds to look over a whole bunch of men, your only viable option is to find a guy wearing glasses that make his eyes look smaller than they are (myopia is corrected with negative power lenses that de-magnify the eyes). Yes, men who care about their appearance often eschew glasses, but remember, you don’t care about looks, just brains.
• Head size. Bigger brains are statistically smarter brains, and bigger brains require bigger heads. Enough said.
• Height. Again, scientists can only speculate at the reasons, but taller people tend to be smarter people. Good nutrition or lack of stressors growing up could partially explain the correlation. Or maybe tall people, having better nutrition, lower stress and so forth, also get to have larger brains (see above).

These are not the only “covers” that can tell you—statistically—what’s inside the "book,” but you only have 60 seconds, so I won’t go into affinity for alcohol and drugs, bipolar disorder, night owl behavior, birth order (oldest children are often the smartest children) left handedness, atheism or other attributes that correlate with IQ.

Of course, statistical correlations can never tell you what any individual’s IQ will be, so it’s entirely possible that the hairy, tall, blue-eyed, big headed, myopic man that you select in your 60 seconds will be a dud, even if the lucky man also happens to be an alcoholic left handed manic depressive night owl oldest child.

But hey, with only 60 seconds, you have to roll the dice and hope for the best.

Happy hunting!