For partners willing to treat each other with respect, I believe those relationships are worth the work to make them better. I am all for trying to save intimate relationships and my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?, identifies nine toxic thinking patterns in couples and how to overcome them.
You did not get into your relationship, however, to be treated poorly, ignored, or abandoned. Being abused or denigrated, subjected to reckless spending, deprived of a sex life, or forced to put up with problematic, immature behavior is not healthy for you. If this is occurring in your relationship, your partner needs to make major changes. Individual and couple's counseling may be needed. And if your partner will not cooperate with counseling, you need to face the fact that he or she will probably never change, and then decide to try living with him or her the best you can, or move on to a new and hopefully more satisfying relationship. I am all for trying to save relationships, but in the face of repeated hurts and insensitivity, it may be best to move on.
Yes, I realize that it is widely recognized that love is not always logical. But being demeaned on an ongoing basis is also not logical. If you want out of your toxic relationship, follow these three steps:
1. Have a mantra. Jean, a forty year old client of mine, tried to leave a relationship with a man who was highly manipulative and emotionally abusive. Each time she attempted to leave, he showed her remorse and lured her back with his charming and seductive displays. This was maddening for Jean who felt demoralized each time after not being able to extricate herself from this coercive, destructive cycle.
To help Jean begin to break free, she came up with a phrase, a mantra of sorts that she repeatedly told herself: "He may be good for someone else, but he is a wrecking ball for me." Jean paired this mantra with a visualization of a big crane swinging a wrecking ball every time she thought of him or saw him.
2. Stop all possible contact. If you really want out, then contact with your about-to-be ex needs to be very tightly managed. Strive for no contact. Most highly toxic partners have softer sides and this can hold strong allure. If you are feeling vulnerable, you will likely be at risk to go back to your toxic ex if you reengage contact with him or her. In Jean's situation, we discussed how she could minimize contact with her ex given her difficult challenge of him being a work colleague. This involved having her be courteous and say nothing more at business meetings. We also came up with the "not breaking stride rule" when she was saying "hi" to him in the hallways.
3. Keep knowing your value. Feel good about who you are, how you have grown, and what you offer in your personal and professional relationships. Jean realized that knowing her value meant putting her emotional health first. Have compassion for yourself if you want to go back into your toxic relationship. It's normal to miss your ex, Stay mindful, however, that missing times that felt good does not mean that he was, or is, good for you. If you have trouble remembering your own value then think about what you would say to a family member or close friend who wanted to return to a toxic relationship. Thinking about how you may value or advise someone else can help you treasure yourself and to move on.
Check out the recently revised--endorsed by the Wall Street Journal--second edition of 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child
Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with over 25 years of experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy. He holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the State University of New York at Albany and completed his post-doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center. He has appeared on the Today Show, Court TV as an expert adviser, CBS Eyewitness News Philadelphia, 10! Philadelphia—NBC, and public radio. Dr. Bernstein has authored four books, including the highly popular 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Perseus Books, 2015), 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child (Perseus, 2007), his very popular couples book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?, and Liking the Child You Love, (Perseus, 2009).