How This Toxic (Non-Four Letter Word) Ruins Relationships?

Several months ago I wrote a post entitled, The Most Toxic (Non-Four-Letter) Word in Any Relationship. That post discussed the toxic, controlling (and possibly shaming impact of the word, "Should." I am grateful for the positive feedback from readers of that post.

Here is another word that can be a relationship killer: "Never".

How is that couples who initially feel abundantly in love, end up, over the long haul, feeling the opposite? I have heard countless detailed accounts of couples "falling out of love." Do people really just fall out of love? Don't you think that the way we think about our partners has a lot to do with how we feel about them--and how "in love" we feel with them? If you believe that the beliefs that we hold in our heads about our intimate partners have a huge impact on the quality of our love, then consider this: One way to improve your relationship: Stop living in "Never Land"!

Obviously relationships are complex and many factors can help them to grow or to meet their demise. That said, the scarcity mentality that comes from thinking "Never" about how your partner meets your needs, will leave you standing in the middle of relationship quicksand--and the only place your love is going is down!

I have worked assiduously to virtually eliminate the word "never" from my vocabulary. Consistent with tenets of cognitive therapy, I believe this word engenders a controlling, judgmental dynamic. Unfavorably thinking "Never" (or similarly, "Always") about someone you love, or being on the receiving end of a "You never" creates negative energy and, over time, can be toxic for any relationship, especially a loving one.

As I write in my book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?, if partners harbor internalized, hidden toxic thoughts, even reflective-listening drills may not expose these underlying empathy-depleting thoughts. For example, if a partner is saying, "I need you to please pick up after yourself more often," yet inwardly (and rigidly) is thinking, "You'll never listen to me anyway", then no paraphrase will rid themselves of this toxic underlying belief. For a toxic-thinking partner to benefit in this situation, he or she must first be willing to challenge the toxic thought. In this case, the way to dispute the toxic thought might be, "She brings me a lot of joy and loves me deeply, but rigidly and disrespectfully expecting her to be neater is not fair. It will help me to remind myself that, aside from this limitation about her, she is a still a very nurturing mother, is really sweet to my friends and family of origin, and she is also a great cook."

When distressed couples first walk into my office, they often look like the walking wounded. They often report that the problematic way they communicate with each other is the real reason they have relationship problems. While this explanation has some merit, they are usually oblivious to something very much closer—their own toxic thoughts. Your toxic thoughts reflect something very crucial: How you communicate with yourself about your intimate partner!

I can't count the number of times that couples have shared that they had seen a counselor in the past who instructed them in the practice of reflective listening. This exercise typically entails each person stating how he or she feels. The other partner then listens and paraphrases what was heard, and receives feedback on how accurately he or she listened.

Please hear that I do think this exercise, which tends to be a "go to" activity for many couple's therapists, can have considerable value. But is what comes out of our mouths really reflective of our true inner thoughts? Sadly, even while practicing this technique, a heightened, emotionally-laden barrage of inner toxic thoughts will still likely result with a partner committed to the "bottle-it-up-and-explode-later" plan.

And we all know that "blow ups" (internalized, externalized, or both) are a not a productive, sane way to be in a loving relationship!

Returning to the opening remarks above, we need to acknowledge that many toxic thoughts involve, "Never".

Instead of, "You never think of my needs only your own", try (thinking and) saying, I really value the times that you're been supportive to me. Can you to please hear me out on this."

Relationships Essential Reads

10 Ways to Spot a Love Bomber

5 Ways to Tell if You, and Your Relationship, Will Grow Over Time

Instead of, "You, never listen"," try (thinking and) saying, "Can we please try to reconnect? I would like to consider what you are saying and then I also hope to share with you where I am coming from."

It amazes me how toxic thoughts in couples occur so incessantly but so often outside of true awareness. Taking the time to be mindful, catch your toxic thoughts, and dispute or change them will take you and your partner to a much better place in your relationship.

For more on toxic relationships, see "Three Signs That You Are In A Toxic Relationship." For more strategies on how to stop toxic thoughts from ruining your loving relationship please see my relationship book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?

Special Note: When possible, see a qualified relationship counselor before making significant relationship decisions. Even if you decide to leave, it is important to learn your role in the toxic relationship dance so you don't do a repeat performance!

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with more than 25 years of experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy. He holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the State University of New York at Albany and completed his post-doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center. He has appeared on The Today Show, Court TV as an expert advisor, CBS Eyewitness News Philadelphia, 10! Philadelphia—NBC, and public radio. Bernstein has authored four books—10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Perseus Books, 2006),10 Days to a Less Distracted Child (Perseus Books, 2007), Why Can't You Read My Mind?, and Liking the Child You Love (Perseus Books, 2009). You can also follow Dr. Jeff on Twitter

Photo Credit: Pixabay