I Got My Mojo Workin'...

Although the word "mojo" is defined often as a type of magical charm, its origins can be traced to the African Congo where "moyo" means soul or life force. in general use "mojo" also means that special spark of creative energy between people.

My work with individuals and couples over the years has convinced me that any two people can connect on any combination of levels or "identities". Let's face it: some people form relationships in which the mojo works on all fronts while other pairs have it going on in some areas but not others. Couples that connect on all levels not only share common values, interests and goals, they are also intellectually compatible, emotionally suited to one another in terms of basic temperament, and physically connected with zingy chemistry. On the other hand, some couples have a fantastic intellectual connection that flows easily, but they are physically disconnected and show little affection toward each other. Some have a strong spiritual connection but no sexual chemistry. Still others have great sexual chemistry but few shared values or visions. And for many couples, the whole question of purpose-both individually and as a couple-has gone un- or under- addressed.

Mojo and Consciousness

Relationships can work when couples are conscious of why they are together and are content with what they do have. These are the relationships that truly thrive. The goal is not to force connection where there isn't one, but to bridge the areas where a gap exists and fill it with awareness rather than resentment. What if we could tell the truth about that instead of hurting each other with it? One of the many pitfalls I've watched couples fall into is a tendency to propagate negative thoughts such as: "he doesn't meet me on an intellectual level," or, "she isn't as affectionate as I am." We all tend to create stories in our heads that are full of assumptions about our partner's feeling

For Everyone in All Relationships

The following series of questions is designed to help you discover and decipher what may be keeping you from boosting your relationship mojo.

The key question for me is: In relationships, when there is any conflict, Do you want to be right or close?

Do you try to control conversations? Sometimes? Often? Never? If you do, are you aware of it in the moment?

What feelings come up in you when you meet a new person? How comfortable do you feel with others in general? Just reflect for a moment on any such dynamics in your interactions with others.

Do you tend to hold back in conversations, or take a passive role because you lack confidence or don't know how to fully participate? If you do, are you aware of this in the moment? What are the feelings underneath your holding back or being reserved?

Do you "dump" your feelings, opinions and upsets on your spouse, family, friends, co-workers, boss? If so, are you aware of doing this in the moment?

Do you withhold your feelings from your spouse, family, friends, co-workers, or boss? If so, are you aware of doing this in the moment?

Pick three important people in your life. Now, think of feelings or of anything you would like to share with them, but don't. Do you know why you hold back?

Do you habitually cover up your feelings in front of others, whether by being serious, withdrawn or shut down, hyper and chatty, or by making jokes and being flippant? If so, are you aware of doing what you are doing in the moment?

Are you aware of what your body is doing when you talk? Do your hands move? How congruent are you, meaning, do your face and body language match what you're feeling and speaking?

Having examined your level of awareness in your relations, do you see patterns you would like to change? Do you have a clear sense of situations where you are generally inhibited, uneasy or passive; or where you are relatively confident, uninhibited and dynamic? Do you see "stuck" places you would like to move beyond?

Do you see how you can get your Mojo working? Work it baby.

Happy Valentine’s Day

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