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As a grandmother for almost three years, I have not had to adjust to horrendous sleepless nights nor did I need to survive uncontrollable cries that I internalized as my own inadequacies. I possess the confidence in knowing that the main qualification of a successful grandparent is pure love; thus, I have been immediately successful.
However, as a new mother, I certainly didn’t possess such self-assurance. With few souls around me to tenderly support me and our new baby, I have tremendous empathy for new parents. My husband needed his own encouragement and we could not look to our respective mothers for empathic, compassionate understanding. We were in unchartered waters, navigating alone except for my amazing sister-in-law who was seven years ahead of me in the parenthood journey; she would often come to my emotional rescue, yet we lived far from each other. Still, within me, I lacked the belief in myself that I was a good-enough mother. During those overwhelming, full years of infants, toddlers, and, later, teens, I could have benefitted from another mother who was decades ahead of me in the journey to reassure me and share her words of hard-earned wisdom as a result of weathering her motherhood storms. Today, the older version of myself (the grandmother), patiently and loving talks to the young mother I once was.
YMS: Young-mother self
GMS: Grandmother-self
YMS: But what if I don’t ever feel the connection right away that I am supposed to feel, that other young mothers and fathers feel?
GMS: Don’t worry if you haven’t officially bonded with your newborn. You will. You have countless days ahead and you will see that everything will all fall into place. Just take a deep breath and enjoy holding your baby. Your baby’s first smile will melt you in ways you cannot know.
YMS: Do I take away her blanket, her pacifier at a certain age? I don’t want her taking these things to school.
GMS: Don’t worry so much about when to take away your child’s transitional object. A therapist once told me, “You could take away his blanket, but you might be paying more in therapy bills later on. Just let him keep it.” Amazing words of wisdom for me to hear, especially after my mother-in-law told me to take away my 5-year old son’s blanket. It just didn’t feel right to do so. Another lesson? Listen to your inner voice and not the voices of others who shouldn’t share their opinions when not asked.
YMS: My baby seems so much fussier than my friends’ babies. What am I doing wrong?
GMS: If your baby is fussy, it’s not what you are doing. It just might be his need to exercise his lungs, his digestive system or his little neurons that haven’t settled. It’s not you. Oh, how I wish I would have known this instead of internalizing his discomfort as something I lacked in my own core.
YMS: What do I do if my child doesn’t want to play with others? She would rather be by herself.
GMS: Let her be. You can offer her play dates and try them, but if they aren’t successful, listen to her. Not every child wants to regularly play with others, especially after school. Perhaps she needs time to unwind and be by herself. She will find her friends when she needs them. I could have saved myself a lot of pain and needless suffering if I had just accepted that not all children are social nor do they want to have a lot of friends. Some do, but others aren’t ready.
YMS: I feel guilty working. I want my own career, but my mother says it’s selfish. I should be home with the kids instead, all the time. When I was home with them, before I got my full-time job, I felt they were with me too much. Either way, I feel guilty.
GMS: I do not use ‘guilt’ as an emotion any more. I have released it from my vocabulary. Perhaps, no matter what a mother does, she might feel as if she could do more, be more, which is never helpful thinking. Instead, focus on your desires, making yourself a productive woman and you will bring this satisfaction home with you and your kids will be the better for it. Focus on what you can do rather than what you feel you are missing. As long as you provide unconditional love, your children will be fine.
YMS: Sometimes I feel something is wrong with me, when I have limited patience and am exhausted.
GMS: Try to surround yourself with other moms who have children of a similar age so you can share your thoughts, frustrations, and joys. You will see that you are not alone in your thoughts and there is comfort in knowing that others feel as you do.
GMS: My final words of wisdom are simple: Give yourself a break. Being a good-enough mother is just fine.
(dedicated to my wonderful daughter-in-law Amy, who gave me the idea for this piece).
