So you finally got rid of that joyless, belittling, jealous, incredibly sexy (at least at the beginning) girlfriend or spouse. You are telling yourself that you definitely do not want to make THAT mistake again! But you haven’t given up all hope.
And you should be hopeful. A more appealing woman than you have yet imagined is out there for you. She is the sincere and humble (as opposed to deceptive and arrogant) woman, Mona. You might not have noticed her yet because she loathes to put herself above others or exaggerate her skills and talents. She never puts men as a group down, and will believe you when you say you are sincere, kind, and committed. Believing you is easy because her own heart is sincere, too. The world opens up with a woman like this.
What follows is a comparison of arrogant versus humble women. It might seem like I am trying to delude you into giving up the sexiest and most alluring beautiful women, and to go for an honorable plain one. But I’m doing precisely the opposite. I am encouraging you to seek the truth and embrace it more than you are now. The humble woman is no less physically beautiful than the arrogant one. She does not do the level of grooming that the arrogant one does; that is true. But just as pornography is much hotter where a woman has a true orgasm, as opposed to lets out a fake howl, so too is it far hotter to have a lover who is genuinely responsive to YOU.
The Arrogant Woman
It is often easy to get into, but very difficult to get out of, a relationship with an arrogant woman. She dresses beautifully and loves to talk about sex. She seems so vulnerable, saying that other men have just used her for sex and dumped her. These statements call upon your knight-in-shining-armor. Your protective feelings let you know that you want her. They signal that you are a bigger man that you’d previously imagined. You proclaim, “How could anyone do that to such a wonderful person?! I would never let that happen to you!” She lets you know, in no uncertain terms, that you are the man of her dreams.
Then, just when you think you are going to have sex with her, she cancels your date at the last minute. She texts you to say that her aunt is having an emergency hysterectomy. Her sexual teasing with semi-nude pictures and provocative texts all week, followed by this last-minute cancellation, have left you ready to sell your soul for the tiniest taste of her. She induces this desperation by staying detached from her sexual feelings to keep the upper hand. She strings multiple men along, coyly telling each of them, “I’m great in bed.” Although it is true that her aunt is having the hysterectomy, the reason she has canceled the date with you is that her friend fixed her up with that dreamy guy with the Maserati. Such deceptiveness goes hand-in-hand with arrogance (1).
After discovering that guy has merely been leasing his car --and his Rolex for that matter-- she finds her way back to you. When you finally do have sex with her, it is indeed great. But you notice a couple of oddities. Although she is willing to give you sexual pleasure, she does not like to receive it all that much. Remember, she has to keep the upper hand by not needing the sex as much as you do. She excites you with the naughty things she is willing to do right away. But if you happen not to like some of her tricks, she does not well respond to criticism. For instance, when you tried to get her to stop those tricks with her teeth that could have foreclosed on your future as a father, she said, “But this feels great to other guys!”
Now that you have had sex, the arrogant woman shames you into committing to her. Whether you were quite ready for a relationship is irrelevant. She tells you three weeks into seeing her, that other men by now would have told her that they loved her. A week later, you muster the sincerity to look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” You now have a girlfriend, and that is okay because you are happy to have sex 24/7 with this beautiful, mysterious, sensual woman.
After a while you see cracks in her façade. Whereas at the beginning, every little thing you did pleased her; now you can’t seem to get anything right. When you first took her out in your luxury vehicle, she had said what a great car. Now she tells you that everyone back home would know to buy the S series not the G series (your car) of that model. When you buy her expensive lingerie, she sees that as something you did for your own sexual pleasure. When you buy her roses, she says that flowers are a wasteful extravagance. When you take her to an expensive restaurant, she acts bored. So you give up trying to do any of these small romantic things. Then, when you discover she’s been cheating on you, she blames you for being so unromantic.
Well, pat yourself on the back for not losing your mind! The reason you are tormented lies in the lack of sincerity of the relationship from the start. The arrogant woman looks down on her man, seeing him as a pawn to be manipulated by her beauty and sexuality. Every single other woman he interacts with is a threat to her, and therefore she ridicules them. Because her own heart is not sincere or committed to you, she has assumed all along that you are not committed to her.
If you are having trouble getting over her, it is because you are not being sincere with yourself. She had said from the outset that she “doesn’t sleep around.” You loved that she adored you and only you. She made you feel like you were a king, and you keep hoping to get that person who admired you to come out again. She had said, “I could never cheat on you.” Therefore, you must have done something wrong to disappoint her. If you could simply fix that, then all would be amazing again.
The root of your continued passion for this woman is your own arrogance in wanting to restore her image of you as king. You will know you are ready for Mona when you take a more humble outlook on yourself. It is the promise of many sincere moments and the building of a unique, deeply intimate history with this wonderful Mona that make your giant leap toward humility worthwhile. Don't be too hard on yourself, though, because your arrogant ex-lover has chipped away at your belief in your own decency with her constant questioning of your motives. You have been peering down at yourself through her haughty eyes for far too long.
The Humble Woman: Introducing Mona
In its top few definitions of a Mona, the urban dictionary describes her as “A dreamy girl who lights up a room with her smile. Pure, wonderful, funny, lovable, and entertaining. Secretly lusted after by many people. She cannot be disloyal and will not put up with people who are fake or think they are better than someone else. Monas will sometimes do things that you don’t understand but will never act like someone she is not.” Unlike your arrogant ex, it wouldn’t occur to Mona to say, “I don’t sleep around” because she is not trying to create a particular impression. She might compliment your car if it seems to matter to you, otherwise she might not notice its make or model.
Mona is difficult to get in a relationship with because she welcomes your getting to know her strengths and weaknesses to allow you to make a good decision. Her sincerity warns you what a heel you would be if you ever dumped her. This feeling scares you. For once, you are thinking about the long-term consequences of your sexual behavior. You realize that you would not want to hurt such a precious being who happens to be the target of your lust.
The irony is that if you ever decided you wanted out of a relationship with Mona, she would let you go. Yes, she would cry hard. Her heart would break because she will miss you so much. But she also accepts that if it wasn’t right for you, then it wasn’t right. She knows down deep that she will find love again. Her ego does not need a boost. She is unafraid to let the world know that she was dumped.
Although she’d never admit it, her lifetime has been punctuated by countless men who have had a glimpse of her true kind heart and wanted her -- badly. She has had to reject so many, but has stayed the course knowing that she wants a sincere, humble, passionate man. Just because she jumps excitedly at your last-minute offer to meet her for dinner, don't assume you are her only suitor. She may have whittled down literally hundreds of offers from men on the internet dating site to your offer. Because she can experience true intimacy with only one man, she lets all of their offers go by the wayside until she sees the relationship with you through to its fruition.
Whereas the arrogant woman makes a man crave her sexually by being unavailable, the humble woman finds it hard to hold back her sexual desires for the one man she wants. Whereas the arrogant woman says, “I love sex”; the humble woman says sincerely, “At times I have loved sex; and at other times, I have not liked it all.” Once she knows that she can feel connected to you (and only then because she does not want to promise more than she can deliver), she says, “I will do my best to learn what you like.” She recognizes that good sex evolves from a trial-and-error process. She is grateful and excited when you correct her, giving her a true picture of the things that turn you on the most. The truth is that she loves giving and receiving pleasure from you, her one-and-only man, with thoughts of sex with you in the back of her mind 24/7. She trusts you. You bask in this trust, having your faith in your own decency restored.
The Mona in your future is not only a much more decent person than your ex, although she would never put herself in that position, but she is also far sexier. Once you are humble enough to deserve Mona, your world will take a turn toward the better.
My related posts on humility as a personality trait:
1. Lee, K. & Ashton, M. C. (2006). Further assessment of the HEXACO Personality Inventory: Two new facet scales and an observer report form. Psychological Assessment , 18, 182-191.
I am dedicating this post to the students in my honors seminar and personality class at Notre Dame this semester. I am grateful to them for staying the course, and not dropping it, when I had warned them I would grade and push them hard to think critically. They have given me countless insights regarding my posts on humility. And there are so many beautiful Monas among them!