What Does That Person Really Mean?

Orion, Public Domain

When Derek came to New York City from Dubuque:

• He went with a new friend, a New York City native, to a shopping mall. As they were passing a gaudy shirt on the rack, the friend said, “Great shirt!" Derek thought the person meant it and, not wanting to offend, quietly agreed. Sarcasm is not the norm in Dubuque.
• People in supermarket lines started conversations with Derek, for example, “I notice that low-sodium salsa in your cart. Is it any good?” He found that intrusive. He didn’t realize that such statements are a regional norm.
• When Derek suggested something and the boss rolled his eyes, “Gimme a break!,” Derek was sure his comment was so bad that his job was in jeopardy. He couldn’t sleep for a week. He didn’t realize that in New York City, such an exclamation is often less of an indictment than if a boss in Dubuque said that.
• A day later the boss said, “That’s a fuc_ing good idea,” but a week later, when it hadn’t been implemented, Derek started to realize that many New Yorkers often overstate their actual feelings.

Like Derek, when Zvi came from Israel for a job in Kansas City, he often misinterpreted what was being said to him. But the reason was the opposite: In most of America, people tend to understate their feelings.

• When Zvi asked a woman for a date and she said “I’m not excited about going into that part of the city,” he took it literally: He responded, “It’ll be OK,” rather than understanding that “not excited about going” likely means “I don’t want to go.”
• When Zvi suggested they go see the movie, Unbroken, she replied, “Isn’t that a little heavy?” He didn’t understand that meant “No,” that she didn’t want to watch two hours of non-stop violence.
• When Zvi’s boss said, “I kind of have a concern about your work,” Zvi interpreted that literally: that it was no big deal. He didn’t realize that “I kind of have a concern about your work” is often code for “I hate your work.”
• When his admin said, “I’m not big on computers,” Zvi again took it literally—inferring that the admin’s computer skills were moderate—when in fact she was trying to, without seeming like a dummy, convey that her computer skills were weak.
• When Zvi’s boss’s response to his idea was, “Interesting. Thanks for sharing that,” Zvi hung for days waiting to get the boss’s thumbs up or thumbs down. He didn’t realize that he had probably already gotten the thumbs-down.

Just as Derek discovered that many New Yorkers overstate their feelings, Zvi learned that many Americans understate them.

All groups—genders, races, and generations, etc.,—have their semantic tendencies, but those are beyond the scope of what I feel comfortable writing about and so I leave that to others and/or for you to post as a comment on this article.

Of course, it’s dangerous to generalize across an entire geographical region—let alone about race, gender, or generation—because there are many exceptions. But without some measure of generalization, we’re left to trial and error, which causes more, well, error.

Marty Nemko’s bio is in Wikipedia.