1. What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A magician pulls rabbits out of hats, whereas a psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
2. Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, "Hello!"
The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, "God, I wonder what *that* was all about?"
3. Two behaviorists meet each other in the street. "Hi," says one, "How am I feeling today?"
That evening, they have sex. The other one says, "That was good for you. How was it for me?"
4. How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, so long as the light bulb *wants* to change.
5. How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. All he has to do is to hold it in place while the world revolves around him.
6. "Doctor," said the receptionist over the phone, "there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
7. What's the difference between a loan and a psychologist?
The loan eventually matures and earns money.
8. Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.
"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.
9. A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.
As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"
10. A psychotherapist returned from a conference in the Rocky mountains, where the delegates spent more time on the icy ski slopes than attending lectures and seminars.
When she got back, her husband asked her, "So, how did it go?"
"Fine," she replied, "but I've never seen so many Freudians slip."
Neel Burton is author of The Meaning of Madness, The Art of Failure: The Anti Self-Help Guide, Hide and Seek: The Psychology of Self-Deception, Heaven and Hell: The Psychology of the Emotions, and other books.