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When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.~ Tom Robbins.  

I've said over and over that in order to find the right person, you need to BE the right person.  No one else should complete you.  They should COMPLEMENT you.  

A healthy person finds independence and completeness of another to be wildly attractive.  Many people would think why would two people who were complete and happy in their own life partner up with someone similarly situated?  Because complete is good and complementary is really good. Healthy people support and supplement each other.  Each has different strengths and stays in their lane when it comes to what the other is good at.   No one is crossing the line to do what the other one should be doing for his or herself. 

Just as, ironically, the fear of abandonment causes abandonment because we're needy and whiny, being secure and complete makes us very attractive to other secure and complete people.  Like attracts like.  So if you want a happy, complete partner...guess what you need to be???

Until we find out who we are and what makes us tick, we go blindly from relationship to relationship expecting to find US and we find disappointment.

We wing it and then wonder why it didn't work out so well.

We are each responsible for our own fulfillment. If we are unfulfilled without a partner, we are going to look for too much from a partner and it will fail.

Fail.  Fail.  Fail.

Hurt people hurt people and conversely filled people fill people.  When two filled people find each other, the bounty overfloweth.  Corny but true.

In Getting Past Your Breakup, I encourage people coming out of a relationship to fulfill themselves and become a happy and whole person before going back there again.  In Getting Back Out There, I repeat this and reiterate it in the "couples" section.  It must continue even when you're happily ensconced  in a relationship.  Being complete is an on-going job.  It doesn't end when you find someone. 

When you learn to be complete and happy on your own, you will never again be a prisoner in another relationship and you will not imprison another.  When a person has enough self-care and self-knowledge to be strong and happy on their own, they shine to another with a healthy perspective and reasonable requirements. Together they are a tour-de-force that handles life on life's terms no matter what comes down the pike. 

Fill yourself up today.  Even if you're IN a relationship, never stop giving to yourself.

Forge friendships, find hobbies and interests, and make your own life wonderful.  Not only will you have great things to keep you busy and interested, but when you meet someone similarly interesting, you will each find the other attractive. And never ever give up your hobbies, interests and friendships.  Allow each other the time away from the relationship to replenish and renew.  Then they will come back to the relationship relaxed, refreshed and oh so interested in you.  

Learn to understand that the healthiest people do not need another to be completed. They enjoy another to help out and be supportive when times get tough. A fulfilled and happy partner is the best  ally in life.  But in order to find a fulfilled and happy partner, you need to offer a fulfilled and happy partner.  The way to do that is to start now building a strong foundation.  To find the person, be the right person.

Fill. Fill. Fill. in order to avoid Fail. Fail. Fail.

Fill your life up with you.

And you will never be alone.


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About the Author

Susan J. Elliott, JD, M.Ed.

Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed., is the author of Getting Past Your Breakup and Getting Back Out There.

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