There have been a number of comments on my blog that required a response from me. Finally, I decided to start an advice column. One slow day, I put up the following post:

Dating a zombie

I have been dating someone recently who I think is a zombie. (We have not been intimate, so I am not sure.) He does not talk, although he mumbles, and he drools quite a lot. (I think it is drool, although in candlelight it looks yellow a little.) His eyes are very sunken and his skin flakes off during dinner. Once he looked at me funny and started to bite my elbow. Otherwise he seems like a nice guy. Am I being superficial by letting all of this bother me? (Also, he walks very slow. Sort of a shuffle.) His name is Joe.

Answer: First of all, I think I should tell you that you are not dating a zombie; you are dating somebody who is pretending to be a zombie! There have been a lot of T.V. and movies about zombies recently, and some people who do not have high self-esteem have tried to pass themselves off as zombies in order to seem sophisticated.  Joe may have been traumatized growing up by a sense of being different. Maybe other kids laughed at him. It is one step away from such childhood abuse to pretending to be a zombie. Some college fraternities in the Midwest are composed entirely of young men who are pretending to be zombies. They dig up the campus and pretend that they live in graves—which fools no one. They give very boring parties where they spill alcohol all over themselves and throw up a lot.

I think you should not entertain the idea of a long-term relationship with Joe. He is too insecure.

P.S. If it turns out Joe is really a zombie, you should not go with him to the beach. Zombies have very sensitive skin.

P.P.S. I want to apologize for this post. I intend this blog as a place to answer serious questions; but there was no such question that came in today. This is the sort of thing I write when I don’t have anything sensible to say. 

© Fredric Neuman  Ask for advice at

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