#WeBelieveYou

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“I raise up my voice- not so I can shout, but so that those without a voice can be heard.” -Malala Yousafzai

This week, the #MeToo movement has had many women posting statuses on social media, letting one another know that they are not alone in surviving sexual assault or harassment. Some of us may experience moments of shock or cognitive dissonance as the sheer number of assault victims becomes clear.

The many, many #MeToo disclosures send a reel of images through my mind, of the trauma survivors who have honored me with their stories. Four year old Zeke appears on the reel, clambering around my office, looking for something he cannot name. He throws everything he can find into the sand tray- trucks and people and cars and houses and stones. And then he climbs in, wedging his tiny body among the mess. Finally, he relaxes. The mess feels like exactly where he belongs.

Zeke’s nursery school teacher had taken him to a hidden corner of the playground and sexually abused him for months on end. When Zeke finally mustered up the courage to tell his mom she said, “why did you let her do that to you?” Yes. She asked her child why he “allowed” an adult hurt him. After that reaction to his disclosure, he began wetting the bed, crying, and waking up with nightmares.

I tell my supervisor the story, and he blinks in shock at hearing just how young the child is. He pauses for a minute and then says, “but how bad was the abuse really?”

These reactions of victim blaming and minimizing the abuse: they happen when people are faced with information that is just too overwhelming to process. The child’s mother and my supervisor may have both felt their brains split as they struggled to understand the unfathomable reality of child sexual abuse. This is not because they are heartless, but rather because as human beings with functioning hearts and minds, they could not process the ruthless act of violating a pure and innocent child.

So many of us may feel that immediate wish to deny a story like Zeke’s. While those reactions are often rooted in genuine dismay, they can have a dangerous impact. The world around us often gives survivors the message that their stories can’t be true, they must have been exaggerated, and they should be silenced. And it works. People do keep incidents of sexual abuse to themselves, fearing that they will be invalidated or even blamed. “It’s not worth it” or I’m over it” or “maybe it really was my fault,” become thoughts that keep secrets festering deep within.

There may come a moment when we are faced with someone who is telling us they have been sexually traumatized. In that moment, our responses matter. Here are some guidelines for making sure we are part of the solution, not contributors to the problem.

1. Let’s allow ourselves some compassion. If we have a difficult time hearing and believing how many people have been assaulted and harassed, this is likely because we have the ability to feel their pain. We might experience secondary traumatization at seeing the #MeToo posts show up on our newsfeed. It is okay to give ourselves a moment of love, “I am struggling with this. It hurts me to see others being hurt. It is normal for me to feel overwhelmed.”

2. Let’s maintain an open mind that is free of judgment. In the field of trauma treatment, we are moving from a black and white definition of trauma to one that is more inclusive. In the past, trauma was defined by the experience of Posttraumatic stress disorder, with measurable symptoms such as flashbacks and nightmares. These definitions were often developed with combat veterans in mind (Roth et al., 1997). However, that does not begin to cover it. Peter Levine (2008), the author of "Healing Trauma," defines trauma as the combination of fear and immobilization. This is an internal experience that cannot be defined for anyone else. The same exact situation- being groped by a stranger on the subway- may leave one person saying, “that man seems ill,” while another may experience shakiness, lack of trust, and difficulty being in a relationship. The presence of trauma is not defined by the extent of physical harm, rather, it is a determination that can only be made by the survivor himself.

3. “I believe you.” is a powerful, validating, response. Remember that there are neurobiological and societal barriers to speaking about sexual abuse. Inside the brain, the limbic system responsible for relaying painful emotions is often compromised during times of trauma (Yehuda, 2015). On the outside, a host of unwelcome and critical reactions may await the survivor who actually does speak. These factors often converge and keep trauma survivors voiceless. If we can show validation to those who have the courage to come forward and speak, we can actually assist in the healing process.

The #MeToo campaign has already sparked important conversations. As a trauma therapist, I am relieved to see a topic that is normally whispered about be openly discussed in a public forum. I hope that this will create a space within which more survivors feel safe coming forward so that the healing can begin. The survivors- they are already in our midst. Our acceptance of their voices will help make the world a safer place, one where people may think twice before initiating unwanted sexual advances.

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I have seen so much growth in our world in the decade since Zeke crawled into that sand tray. I’ve been gratified to see parents bring their children in for treatment at the mere suspicion that they may have been hurt, instead of waiting until their children show severe symptoms. I know that so many of us are doing our best to move through our own shock and discomfort at the topic of sexual abuse. #MeToo is a cry for our continued open recognition of the violations that occur under the cloak of secrecy. By rising to this challenge, by hearing this message, we are making an impact that is greater than we can imagine. To all those who posted, this is for you: #WeBelieveYou.