4 Reasons You Can Misread Your Partner's Body Language

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You've known someone for years, and then suddenly they do something that seems completely uncharacteristic. How did you not see it coming? There actually may have been clear indications all along through their body language, but you missed it.

Our ability to accurately read someone’s body language does not improve with familiarity. To avoid getting caught off-guard next time, here are some reasons why you may misread a loved one’s nonverbal cues.

1. Cognitive Laziness.

To decode body language accurately, one needs to be motivated and observant. All too often, we take the simple route of just believing what someone says without looking at how they are saying it. When nonverbal cues are inconsistent with verbal content, we actually do usually give more credence to the nonverbal cues. However, we often take the “easy” route, and either do not notice conflicting nonverbal cues or discount them. The result: We miss the deeper message.

2. Confirmation Bias.

This all-too-human bias causes us to look for information that confirms our existing beliefs, and to discount contradictory information. Often, our desire to believe our loved one causes us to ignore or discount nonverbal clues that suggest that something is amiss. We continue believing what we want—despite nonverbal cues that “scream” that something is wrong.

3. Humans are Poor Lie Detectors.

Even when we are being vigilant and carefully studying our partner’s body language, we still may not be able to discern the truth. Research consistently shows that the average person is unable to detect when someone else is lying, and that knowing a person well does not significantly improve lie detection.

4. Your Partner Puts Up a Smokescreen.

One reason that we may not accurately detect lies or determine the true feelings of another, is that the partner is motivated to deceive us. By throwing up a “smokescreen” of contradictory nonverbal cues, a partner can cover up a lie, or convince us that he or she is happy when they're really not. Research shows that when a person is lying, they actually give off more truthful-looking nonverbal cues, such as eye contact, than when they are telling the truth.

What to do?

1. Be vigilant. Study your partner’s nonverbal behavior and weigh both their verbal and nonverbal cues.
2. Ask questions. When in doubt, ask for clarification. “I hear you saying X, but your body language suggests Y. What's happening?”
3. Clear and direct communication is the key. This applies to loved ones and everyone else in your life: Don't assume.

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