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A few months ago, my eighty-seven year old father turned to me and asked with great emotion, “Have I been a good father?”
“Of course, Dad,” I told him. “You’ve always been a great father.”
Our role as parents impacts our children’s futures immeasurably. Have we given our children the sufficient skills to take care of themselves financially? Are they emotionally mature enough to form relationships that will support them as they separate from you?
Parent involvement in the college years is critical for success. Four-year graduation rates are at an all time low of 39.4%, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. Student debt tops 1.2 trillion dollars, with borrowers owing on average $26,600. Students are reporting record rates of psychological distress, with over twenty five percent being diagnosed with a mental health disorder.
As a psychiatrist providing care to college students over the last 20 years, I’ve seen firsthand the growing stress students are experiencing. I’m also in the thick of my parenting role as the mother of two college students, launching them into the world while serving as a safety net if trouble strikes.
I’ve talked with my own children from middle school onwards about safe sex, sexually transmitted diseases, and the dangers of binge drinking and drug use; they tell me I successfully “brainwashed” them into safe behaviors. What made the difference is that I provided facts based on the scientific literature and on my professional experiences. In this and future articles, I’ll provide information and stories that will allow you to communicate with your children about academics, relationships, lifestyle habits, finances, drugs, and mental health.
The parent-child relationship is critical to wellness during the college years. Throughout my work, I’ve seen the positive impact of parent involvement in improving mental health. Parent involvement increases academic autonomy, improves social relationships, and encourages a healthy lifestyle, according to research discussed in a 2012 article by Allie Grasgreen in Inside Higher Ed, “Parents: Help or Hindrance?”
Yet recent books and articles continue to stigmatize parent involvement by presenting images of college students as helicoptered, fragile beings whose parents have to solve all their problems. These articles suggest that parents need to let go, to step back - a generalization that can put at risk the college student whose brain will not complete development until age 25.
In fact, I’ve seen under-parenting rather than over-parenting as a more common problem in the college years. Well-intentioned parents want to give their children a chance to fly on their own in college, but many children need a flying partner before they are ready for solo flight. Too often parents have no idea their child has failed last semester’s classes, is abusing drugs, or is sometimes too depressed to get out of bed. When their child is on their fifth or sixth year of school, it might be too late to intervene.
Parenting the college student with a positive and practical approach will increase the odds that your child will graduate in four years, healthy and prepared for the future.
Try a concept I call “parallel parenting.” Keep a watchful eye on your child from a distance as you and he move forward with separate lives, but be prepared to step in during a crisis, as will inevitably occur during the college years. Then step back. And keep watching.
Consider these basic parenting principles:
1. Start a dialogue with your child about relationships, intimacy, spirituality and dealing with stress. This discussion should begin long before college but continue at least until you have written that last tuition check. Let your child know that no topic is off limits. You are your child’s most important sounding board, even as he seeks opinions from others and charts his own life course.
2. Focus on the positive and affirm the steps your child is taking toward achieving maturity. Tell her you are proud of her when she works out a conflict with her freshman roommate. Ask her what she is learning in class or read a paper she has written and enjoy how she teaches you about subjects you never studied. Observe with delight her exploration of different majors and career options as she forms her identity.
3. Be empowered to set rules. What are your parent priorities? Parents should have clear expectations regarding grades, finances, drinking, and drug use. No two parents will have the same values and they must focus on what matters to them. Children should know consequences as well. You may not want to pay for school if your child is doing poorly academically because she is socializing too much. You can give her a choice of improving her grades for continued financial support or getting a job to support herself.
4. Intervene when your child is struggling. Sometimes students try to deal with academic, social, or emotional problems on their own so as not to burden parents, but the problems can snowball to the point that they are failing academically or struggling with severe depression. If you suspect a problem, talk with your child and let him know you are there to help problem solve. If there are academic challenges, you can call the Dean of Students Office to ask about resources for tutoring and advising. If there are social or mental health issues, call the counseling center to learn about treatment options, and encourage your child to seek help. You can even go to the first appointment or speak on the phone with the provider, if your child will allow it. As a psychiatrist, I welcome parent involvement.
Be there for your child during the college years, through good times and bad. You will watch her flower into her energetic, creative, knowledgeable, and resilient self.
©2016 Marcia Morris, All Rights Reserved
