There is a lot of evidence that narcissists have problematic interpersonal relationships.1,2 They are less committed and more likely to manipulate their partners. Not surprisingly, their partners also tend to become increasingly dissatisfied over time. But why? What is going on inside of these relationships that leads to problems?
Most research that examines narcissists' relationships has asked people to report their general impressions of their relationships. But what is actually occurring day to day as narcissists interact with their partners? Some research suggests that narcissists are especially hostile during conflicts.3,4 This research provides some insight into why narcissists have more relationship problems, but fewer everyday, non-conflict interactions have been examined, and neither have narcissists' tendencies to engage in positive behaviors. New research by Joanna Lamkin and colleagues examines how narcissists behave during neutral discussions with their romantic partners.5
Before getting into the details of the research, it’s important to understand how narcissism is defined in these studies. This research examines narcissistic tendencies, consistent with the idea of grandiose narcissism. This research is not studying people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is relatively rare. In the general population, narcissism runs along a continuum, with those who are more narcissistic having inflated views of themselves, a sense of superiority over others, feelings of entitlement, and a tendency to lack empathy and to manipulate other people.
In their study, Lamkin and colleagues recruited 54 undergraduate student couples.5 The couples were videotaped while they had a 10-minute discussion about how they would plan a hypothetical 5-day vacation with a $3,000 budget. Trained coders evaluated several aspects of the participants' behavior:
Results showed that both partners engaged in more hostile behavior when the woman in the couple was the narcissistic one. Men showed more anger when interacting with a narcissistic partner; however, the man's level of narcissism was unrelated to these behaviors, and neither partner’s narcissism was related to positive displays. So narcissistic women were more hostile, and their partners tended to be more hostile and angry during the discussion.
Gender, then, clearly plays a role in how narcissism manifests in relationships. Specifically, the evidence suggests that women's narcissism may be especially problematic in the context of relationships. In another study that followed newlyweds for four years, it was, again, wives', not husbands', narcissism that was related to increasing marital problems and decreasing satisfaction over time.6 The authors hypothesize that this pattern occurs because women’s traits and behavior generally tend to affect relationships more7, something I recently discussed in a post on discrepancies between partners' levels of commitment.
These results can also be interpreted in light of overall gender differences in narcissism: Men, on average, are more narcissistic than women.8 So another possibility is that because women are generally less narcissistic, their narcissistic behavior comes as more of a shock to partners and more of a norm violation, leading to more problems.5
These results also showed that narcissists didn’t necessarily demonstrate a less positive affect. They were actually just as likely to laugh and smile and show enjoyment in their interactions as non-narcissists. The authors posit that this is consistent with the idea that narcissists tend to play games, being hot and cold with their partners. Narcissists can get away with greater hostile behavior, in part because they balance it with more positive behavior. If they were negative all the time, they would likely be less successful in attracting and keeping partners.
This research also shows that it is not just the narcissists themselves who behave badly. Their behavior may also affect their partners. Interacting with a hostile, egotistical person, not surprisingly, can elicit hostility and anger. If you believe that your partner is narcissistic, it may be valuable to not only observe how they treat you, but to observe your own behavior as well: Is your partner bringing out the worst in you?
Because these findings are correlational, it's unclear if narcissistic women cause partners to become angry or hostile because of their behavior, or if they are just more likely to have hostile and angry partners in the first place.
It should be noted that the results of this study may not apply to longer-established relationships. The sample was fairly small, and the couples who participated were young and typically involved in relatively short relationships. It is likely that the behavior of narcissists and their partners changes over the course of a relationship. Perhaps narcissists’ positive behavior declines over time, once they are assured of their partners’ long-term commitment. Or, more optimistically, maybe these couples develop more adaptive ways of interacting. But overall, this latest study adds to the evidence that it’s advisable to avoid getting into a relationship with a narcissist.
Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at Albright College, studies relationships and cyberpsychology. Follow her on Twitter for updates about social psychology, relationships, and online behavior, and read more of her articles on Close Encounters.
1 Brunell, A. B., & Campbell, W. K. (2011). Narcissism and romantic relationships. In W. K. Campbell, & J. D. Miller (Eds.), The handbook of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder: Theoretical approaches, empirical findings, and treatments (pp. 344–350). Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
2 Campbell, W. K., Brunell, A. B., Finkel, E. J. (2006). Narcissism, interpersonal self-regulation, and romantic relationships: An agency model approach. In E. J. FInkel & K. D. Vohs (eds.). Self and relationships: Connecting intrapersonal and interpersonal processes (pp. 57-83). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
3 Peterson, J. L., & DeHart, T. (2014). In defense of self-love: An observational study on narcissists' negative behavior during romantic relationship conflict. Self and Identity, 13, 477–490. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2013.868368
Keller, P. S., Blincoe, S., Gilbert, L. R., DeWall, C. N., Haak, E. A., & Widiger, T. (2014). Narcissism in romantic relationships: A dyadic perspective. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 33, 25–50. http://dx.doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2014.33.1.25
5 Lamkin, J., Lavener, J. A., & Shaffer, A. (2017). Narcissism and observed communication in couples. Personality and Individual Differences, 105, 224-228.
6 Lavner, J. A., Lamkin, J., Miller, J. D., Campbell, W. K., & Karney, B. R. (2016). Narcissism and newlywed marriage: Partner characteristics and marital trajectories. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 7, 169–179. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/ per0000137.
7 Floyd, F. J., & Markman, H. J. (1983). Observational biases in spouse observation: Toward a cognitive/behavioral model of marriage. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 51, 450–457. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.51.3.450.
8 Grijalva, E., Newman, D. A., Tay, L., Donnellan, M. B., Harms, P. D., Robins, R. W., & Yan, T. (2015). Gender differences in narcissism: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 141, 261–310. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0038231.