Being Too Perfectionist Can Ruin a Marriage

Dear Dr. Alasko: When I married B. over ten years ago, she admired the fact that I had a lot of energy, liked things neat and was very well organized. But lately she's been demanding that I "loosen up." To me this means lowering my standards and accepting mediocrity. Since she knew from the beginning that I like order and cleanliness, I tell her I can't change my basic personality -- who I am -- just to please her. Is there some other way to handle this?

Dear Reader: First, let's address the question of whether one can change one's basic personality.

There's an endlessly ongoing discussion in psychology about whether genetics determines one's basic personality or whether one's environment shapes it. Nature vs. nurture is the way it's usually framed, and a small handful of people in the field insist that it's all one or the other.

The strong overall consensus, though, is that both are always active. Yes, genetics provides the structure of your personality; however, your family and social surroundings also influences the development of these traits. So you were likely born with a desire for having things arranged in an orderly manner. But your need for perfection could have either intensified as you grew up, or, under social pressure, dissipated. In your case, it apparently either remained strong or strengthened yet further.

But at the same time, regardless of inborn or past influences, human beings are always capable of learning new attitudes and ways of living. Just as you are capable of learning many complex skills and behaviors, so, too, you can unlearn them. You can, unnatural as it may at first feel, teach yourself to be less obsessive and more accepting of what you now deride as mediocrity.

There's another issue, too: the agreement everyone makes when consciously deciding to share their lives with another complex and demanding human being, aka marriage. By definition, to stay successfully wed, neither person's personality can dominate the relationship. The key to succeeding at this long-term undertaking is compromise. Which is not optional; it's a fundamental need to make marriages work.

I've often wished that marriage vows would include some phrases that addressed the need for compromise as a component of both personal and relational growth. These phrases would go something like this: "I promise to not allow the excessive elements of my personality to dominate either my life or yours." And: "I promise to take every opportunity to negotiate reasonable compromises that can satisfy both of us." And so forth.

Finally: in your letter you vigorously defend and justify being a perfectionist, while minimizing how the characteristics involved might make you difficult to live with.

I suggest that you adjust your attitude to include compromise as a gesture of your love for your partner. You can do this in small but important ways. For example, when you see something that is not meticulously in order, rather than grit your teeth and set about making it perfect, take a few deep breaths and tell yourself that it's okay just the way it is - then immediately shift your attention to something else more vital to your personal happiness. The goal is to learn tolerate the anxiety generated in forcing yourself to change.

Remind yourself over and over that you're a dynamic being capable of constant growth. You're not irremediably stuck in old or irrelevant habits. And that every small change is a generous gift to yourself... and to the success of your marriage.