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The acknowledgement of perinatal loss challenges us to create a new social etiquette for this out-of-order loss. Out-of-order losses, in particular, frighten us. They remind us that we are all vulnerable. They seem random.
These losses remind that there are no hard and fast rules about when we celebrate pregnancy, and when we grieve loss.
A deficit of etiquette reinforces a taboo around open discussions pertaining to pregnancy loss. This adversely affects those in grief. According to the American Psychological Association:
"The tragedy of miscarriage has traditionally been private, an event grieved largely by the mother, on her own. Health care professionals advised these women that the sadness would grow less pronounced over time, especially following a successful pregnancy. But new research suggests that some women may mourn for much longer than is expected, even after the birth of a healthy child. That's also true for men, as new studies have found that men grieve over a miscarriage more than once thought."
There has been a seismic shift of late as to how pregnancy and infant loss are acknowledged. Last summer, Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan revealed that their path to parenthood has included multiple miscarriages.
There is generally greater media coverage regarding this sort of loss. As a bereavement writer I notice it in the press a great deal more than in the past. This sheds light on a once wholly private grief and brings it from the shadows into the light.
Dr. Jessica Zucker is a psychologist with a specialty in women's reproductive health. In an effort to create a dialogue about pregnancy loss and infant death, she has created a line of cards for this specific loss. Zucker has herself been open about the miscarriage she suffered.
"We live in a society that does not view loss as a normative part of pregnancy. There are not enough tools available to help women feel validated and seen."
At the time of my son's stillbirth nearly a decade ago, people seemed uncertain about how best to offer their condolences. I knew that they wanted to - but conversation was very often stilted.
Creating avenues for dialogue is right and good. Emergent avenues to promote discussion such as sympathy cards for pregnancy loss will go a long way to re-forming the grief paradigm.
Dr. Zucker hopes that these cards will continue to normalize conversations surrounding grief associated with pregnancy and infant loss.
"I hope these cards can provide the antidote to the sentiment,'I didn't know what to do.'"
