What people tend to regret the most near the end of their lives is that they have not been more compassionate, loving, and supportive to those they love. A presage of this kind of regret comes with the untimely death of a loved one. The common self-doubt, even in relationships that were very close and loving, is something like: “Did she really know how much I loved her?”
The rewards for staying true to your deepest values are great: Authenticity, conviction, long-term wellbeing. And the reminders for violating them are terrible: guilt, shame, anxiety, regret, feeling inadequate or unlovable.
Before you know that you’re sad, you’re motivated to drink or eat too much. Before you know that you feel vulnerable, you’re motivated to blame, deny, or avoid. Before you know you’re ashamed, you’re motivated to seek quick adrenalin through active or passive aggression.
The biggest challenge of living with a resentful or angry person is to keep from becoming one yourself. The high contagion and reactivity of resentment and anger are likely to make you into someone you are not.
Everyone in an abusive family loses dignity and autonomy. You become unable to decide your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, because you are living in a rigid pattern of defensive-reaction that runs largely on automatic pilot.
No weight control program can succeed by dominating your consciousness with food and weight. A successful program must develop a conditioned response to regulate eating automatically, without having to "stop and think about it." The trick is to condition the core hurt (inadequacy or unworthiness that makes you want to overeat) to stimulate core value - a sense of yourself
External regulation of emotions is a no-win venture, even if you go about it through seduction rather than coercion. It’s just too hard to regulate an internal system by controlling external conditions. That’s like a thermostat trying to keep it comfortable in the room by blowing warm or cool air around the outside perimeter of the building.