How to Become the Person You Most Want to Be

Those who feel compelled to defend their egos tend to violate their deeper values

Wellbeing Depends on Valuing Others

For lasting wellbeing, spend a few minutes a day trying to make the world a little better.

How to Keep People From Bringing Out the Worst in You

Reactaholism is the major addiction of our times. The others tend to start as attempts to ease the chronic powerlessness of reactaholism.

Feeling Powerful vs. Being Powerful

Most anger and resentment are attempts to feel powerful at the cost of being powerful.

Anger and Vulnerability

In the heat of ego defense, truth is the first casualty.

What’s Good about Equality?

Whenever we apply macro analyses to individuals, we deal in stereotypes. When we reduce others to stereotypes we become one ourselves.

Successful Weight Loss for the Holidays or Anytime

No weight control program can succeed by dominating your consciousness with food and weight. A successful program must develop a conditioned response to regulate eating automatically, without having to "stop and think about it." The trick is to condition the core hurt (inadequacy or unworthiness that makes you want to overeat) to stimulate core value - a sense of yourself

Why You Need to Change How You Think About Your Relationship

Falling in love made you a better person, more appreciative, caring, loving, compassionate, and tolerant.

How Do You Regulate Emotions Under Stress?

External regulation of emotions is a no-win venture, even if you go about it through seduction rather than coercion. It’s just too hard to regulate an internal system by controlling external conditions. That’s like a thermostat trying to keep it comfortable in the room by blowing warm or cool air around the outside perimeter of the building.

How We Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over

Negative feelings can’t last, unless we try to justify them.

Regret Prevention

People near the end of life tend to regret not having been more compassionate and loving to those they love.

The Fear-Shame Dynamic

We've perverted the natural function of aggression in social animals, which is secondarily self-protection but primarily protection of loved ones. (You'll get more aggressive if I attack your wife or children than if I attack you.) Now aggression primarily protects the ego, not loved ones.

The Power to Create Value and Meaning

All alarm systems, negative feelings included, are calibrated to give false positives. You don’t want a smoke alarm that doesn’t go off until the house is in flames; you want it to go off when there’s just a little smoke. The Toddler brain functions as if the smoke alarm is the fire, instead of a signal that a fire might possibly exist.

The Struggle to Balance Our Two Minds

We feel more autonomous, authentic, empowered, and able to form meaningful adult connections when true to our most humane values.

Storms of Stress

Blame makes us feel powerless and keeps us focused on damage rather than solutions. The great magnifier of stress is blame, and its result is the hidden killer in stress: resentment.

Are We Being Ruled by Our Toddler Brains?

The current version of pop-culture almost demands superficial feelings and self-defeating behavior.

Why We Hurt the Ones We Love, and Let Them Hurt Us

People betray loved ones because of reasons like “I felt like it,” or “I want to get my needs met.”

Changing Habits

The meaning of your life rises from your choice of focus.

Teenage Boys

Children learn emotion regulation by modeling, not by what parents tell them. Anger is an attribution of blame. If parents are blamers, children, especially high testosterone boys, are more likely to have anger problems. (Testosterone doesn't cause anger but amplifies it considerably.)

Growing From Grief

Emotional healing is largely reconditioning your brain to associate restorative images with painful memories.

Relationship Fix: Power Love Values

Feelings may forge relationships, but values sustain them. The power of love is not what it feels like. The enormous power of love comes from the value and meaning it brings to our lives.

How Much Do You Value Yourself?

Self-value is more behavioral than emotional, more about how you act toward what you value, including yourself, than how you feel about yourself compared to others. It necessarily includes self-care.

Do’s and Don’ts of Compassionate Parenting

Your children are not responsible for your childhood; let them have their own.

Forgiveness After Betrayal

Genuine forgiveness occurs as a byproduct of healing rather than a cause of it. Attempts to forgive are more likely to impede the process of healing and outgrowing emotional injury than to help it.

Diagnosing Your Spouse

A surefire way to destroy your relationship is to diagnose your partner with a personality disorder or other “character disease.”

What's Wrong With Criticism

"Criticism is the only reliable form of autobiography.” It tells you more about the psychology of the criticizer than the people he or she criticizes.

What Will Your Legacy Be?

Self-obsession is focus on how we feel; self-improvement comes from focus on how we want to feel.

Staying Sober

Abuse of substances impairs the ability to regulate emotions. Yet self-regulation skill is the missing element in support group intervention.

Stand for Something

Consistently ignoring and violating humane values can turn us into psychopaths, individually and as a culture.

How to Make the World a Better Place

We have a drive to make the world we live in a better place. The fundamental ways that social animals communicate and cooperate are modeling, emotional display, and mimicry.