"You were really great in there!”
“Wow. Don’t be so judgmental!”
If judging is deciding one thing is worse than another thing why do people say “don’t be judgmental,” only when you’re being critical? Shouldn’t they also say it when you praise them?”
Here’s some sound advice, you probably embrace: Don’t focus on what’s going wrong; focus on what’s going right. Accentuate the positive; eliminate the negative. Count your blessings, discount your curses. Stay hopeful, don’t despair. If something is bothering you, don’t let it distract you. That way you can dedicate your undistracted attention to making things work. Don’t be negative; be positively judgmental.
Here’s some other sound advice you probably embrace: When you face a choice, don’t be biased. Evaluate options neutrally. Stubborn people put their thumbs on the scales. They ignore, discount or dismiss inconvenient truths and pay undue attention to other factors. Don’t be prejudiced like that. Don’t be positively judgmental; be neutral.
Two sound bits of advice: be positive; be neutral. This double standard shows up everywhere.
In partnership focus on what you like about each other, not what you dislike, but hey, why is that couple still together? They make each other miserable. Why are they so biased toward staying together?
In society we should make the best of things, emphasizing the good and ignoring the worst in every person and idea. And we should judge people and ideas on their merits without favoritism, honestly accounting for the true costs and benefits of every option.
In politics we should stand up for what’s we believe in emphasizing what’s good and not what’s bad about our beliefs. But we should weigh all beliefs neutrally. Partisans stubbornly tout the good and ignore the bad in their favored ideas. That’s why we’re in the mess we’re in.
In religion have faith. Commit with all your heart. Sure you don’t like everything your religion demands of you, but just count your blessings, but do this as a matter of choice and discernment. Set aside your biases, your preconceptions and decide with an open mind what you believe.
There’s nothing wrong with having two standards if you know the contexts in which they each apply. You have a double standard about driving: Adults can, toddlers can’t. So what’s the context for deciding when to be positive or neutral?
When deciding whether to commit to a choice be neutral. Turn off your biases. But once you’ve committed to a choice, stay committed by emphasizing the benefits of your choice and de-emphasizing the costs.
I call this the Spin Doctor’s Hippocratic Oath: When deciding, unspin. Employ your powers of neutral thinking. But once you’ve decided, spin. Employ your powers of positive thinking to motivate yourself and others about the choice you’ve made, and employ your power of negative thinking to discount discredit and demotivate about the options you didn’t choose.
For example, when you're deciding whether to have a child, weigh the pros and cons neutrally. Once you’ve had your child, stop weighing. Count your parental blessings and discount the costs.
Likewise, when deciding whether to marry, weigh the pros and cons neutrally but once you’ve decided to marry, count your marriage’s blessings and ignore the costs.
Having a child is a lifelong commitment. You can never be an ex-parent. When the decision is final, never to be revisited, applying this double standard is pretty straightforward. Think carefully, and if you decide to have your child, never look back. Spin it hard as a good decision so you can focus positively on raising your child. Don’t mutter as you tuck your child into bed, “You know, I still can’t decide whether I want to have you.”
But many decisions are far less straightforward because they’re reversible. When and how should you switch from decided to redeciding, when and how do you turn off the optimism, switching back to neutrality to revisit a choice you’ve made?
Here are five tips for thinking about the real-world practicalities of managing the double standard, on the one hand, highlighting the benefits and discounting the costs of a choice you’ve made, on the other hand weighing the benefits and costs neutrally.