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Couples often live together before they are married, or even engaged. As Steuber et al. (2014) recently summarized, “According to the 2010 Census data, over 7.5 million unmarried couples live together (which translates into 15 million people) ... a whopping 138% increase since 1990, and an increase of 13% from 2009 alone.”
Living with a romantic partner without formal plans for marriage may spark a myriad of positive and negative feelings. Certainly moving in with someone is exciting, yet navigating that transition can be problematic and introduce feelings of uncertainty.
Berger and Calabrese (1975) argued that humans are uncomfortable with uncertainty. Recent work has focused on a specific type of uncertainty called "relational uncertainty," which involves “the questions people have about participating in an interpersonal relationship” (Knobloch & Solomon). Steuber et al. (2014) examined couples living together without “formal plans for marriage,” to identify their sources of relational uncertainty. Given the serious nature of living together, juxtaposed against the lack of a formal engagement, uncertainty levels naturally vary; the team's goal was to identify what topics caused uncertainty.
They studied 206 couples that were approximately 30 years old, and which had been together, on average, for about 2 years. They asked participants to describe sources of uncertainty, which resulted in a list of 12 topics. The Top 5 follow:
- Relational sustainability.
The first category described participants’ thoughts and concerns about whether their relationship would endure. Quotes from participants included, "Are we a good match for the long-term?” and, “Uncertainty about whether or not I want it to last forever."
- Relational trust.
The second category depicted participants’ “uncertainty about past relationships or the ability to trust or forgive." There were also references to “relationships with exes,” overcoming a “wild past,” and "issues of cheating.”
- Relational compatibility.
The third category pertained to uncertainties regarding “whether the partners were appropriately matched or a good 'fit.'” Here, quotes from participants included, “Is she the one for me?” and, “Uncertain if we are capable as a team, or building the life we both want."
- Relational steps.
The fourth category “addressed uncertainties about individuals’ own or their partners’ perspective on the progression of a relationship." Marriage and engagement timing—and possibility—were commonly mentioned within this category.
- Relational norms.
The fifth category entailed “uncertainties individuals have with regard to the expectations and norms” of the relationship. Topics here dealt with dividing housework; the amount of time spent together; and the use of space.
(The remaining categories were: personal growth, family planning, communication, social network issues, finances, sexual issues, and health.)
In the study, 206 individuals (comprising 103 couples) provided responses. This allowed the researchers to compare responses and look for commonalities. Did participants provide similar sources of uncertainty? About half (46.4%) did not provide similar responses of sources of uncertainty; only 1.2% had complete overlap. The collective findings demonstrate that couples do experience varying sources of uncertainty, and that there is little overlap in their sources of uncertainty.
Not everyone desires marriage, so living together without formal engagement might not spark similar levels of uncertainty. Likewise, only 38 states allow same-sex marriage (at the time of this writing); thus, same-sex couples may not have the option to legally marry while cohabitating. That said, this study provides important descriptive data about uncertainty and potential topics of conversation for relational partners as they navigate their unique living situation.
Dr. Sean M. Horan is a Communication professor. Follow him on Twitter @TheRealDrSean. His expertise area is communication across relationships, with topics including deception, affection, workplace romance, sexual risk/safety, attraction, deceptive affection, and initial impressions.
Entry based on:
Steuber, K. R., Priem, J. S., Scharp, K. M., & Thomas, L. (2014). The content of relational uncertainty in non-engaged cohabitating relationships. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 42, 107-123. doi: 10.1080/00909882.2013.874569
