Some topics are sacrosanct. If asked about them on television, public figures look somberly, worshipfully, into the camera and say they are sacrosanct.

But lately, the sanctity of these things is under assault.  And I, for one, will not tolerate it!

Family. When asked about the importance of family in November, days before his car crash and his firmament of floozies was revealed, Tiger Woods intoned that his marriage and fatherhood "has been great, actually, the best thing that ever happened." Prompted by the interviewer that "family first and golf second ... always been like that?", Woods replied: "Always. Always." Now we may wonder if Tiger spent any time with his wife and kids.

Dogs. Everyone loves dogs. Many publicity campaigns aim to induce people to adopt a dog. But America is running behind in adopting the pets it's breeding. Based on a sudden surge in their popularity due to celebrities like Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus, chihuahuas are being overproduced in California. But chihuahuas are notoriously difficult pets, and they are being abandoned in droves, filling California shelters. So where is the love for those frail little Spanish-accented cuties?

Love. Speaking of love, have you noticed that virtually every one of Tiger's mistresses (except the porn star) developed the impression, based on Tiger's sly manner, that she was his one and only, that things were bad in Tiger's home and a change was in the works, and that she and Tiger would always be together - that they were, in a phrase, "in love"?  A remarkable number of attractive 30-something women have no idea what love is.  Speaking of which, remember when S.C. governor Mark Sanford said his Buenos Aires bombshell, Maria, was the "love of his life?"  Has he seen her lately?

So whenever celebrities or news pundits or politicians speak about these things, we need to be intensely suspicious. They are obligated to talk them up, claim they worship each one, and are devoted above all else to family, pets, and love.

"Senator, you say you love your dachshund."

"More than the earth, the moon, and the stars."

"But didn't I see you out walking a poodle the other day?"

"What are you saying!" The silver-haired, golden-toned politician hems and haws. "Uh, I was just doing my neighbor a favor by walking her dog."

"You mean the blonde floozy you were cheating on your wife with?"

"Well I never. Everyone who knows me knows that I revere my wife, that I believe love is the most important thing in the universe, and that the only thing more important to me than my wife is man's best friend! To say anything else is heresy, and I won't hear it!"

"Yes, Senator - now tell us about Santa Klaus."

Photo:  Does Paris REALLY love her chihuahua?

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