Psychology Today Blogs, in its effort to enlighten readers, provides links every time a term like "beauty" appears (as it did when I referred in my last post to the "natural beauty" of America's National Parks). This link tells you: "That gorgeous people get preferential treatment is a not-too-pretty fact of life."
But something else is at least twice as important. I'm referring to big boobs. You can only learn here that beauty takes a back seat to large mammaries in their impact on the male of the species.
In the film, The Truth About Cats and Dogs, Janeane Garofalo asks her model friend, played by Uma Thurman, to impersonate her in her pursuit of a man who only knows Garofalo's voice. As the two women walk together down the street, every man they pass falls all over himself ogling Thurman.
Here's the real truth - the talented Ms. Thurman is not a classic beauty, but she is a well-built woman. It's not her beauty that makes passing males into madmen. It's her - - - you know.
For those of you with an evolutionary psychology bent, at the dawn of the human species, big boobs indicated women who could suckle their offspring successfully, thus guaranteeing the survival of the genes of men who inpregnate them. The rest is natural history.
There is only one thing that trumps big boobs in its appeal to the animal male mind of our species. No, not money. Male athletic prowess. Marilyn Monroe described how, the first time she went out to dinner with Joe DiMaggio, the biggest sports star of the era, it dawned on her that the men at the table were not making fools of themselves over her, as they usually did - they were fawning all over Joltin' Joe!
Returning to the infinitely informative field of evolutionary psychology (it explains why MM would marry a dolt like JD!), sports stars are so admired because athletic ability stands for physical dominance in the male of a species. The most powerful male in the herd or pack gets the females with the biggest udders or teats --- (evolutionary psychologists, help me out here).
Which brings me to my cautionary tale. Daisy Fuentes was an MTV VJ with extremely prominent. . .I mean really large. . .you know what I mean. In 1994, she presented together with Mark Messier at the MTV awards, held at Radio City Music Hall in New York. (This ceremony was most notorious for Michael Jackson awkwardly kissing Lisa Marie Presley and proclaiming, "Just think, nobody thought this would last.")
But back to Daisy. Viewers could tell that she had no idea who Messier was. Messier, who had nothing whatever to do with the music business, was a hockey star who had been brought to New York to help finally win (after a 54 year drought) the Stanley Cup. As captain of the Rangers, he personally received the gigantic cup at Madison Square Garden (if you want to see an ecstatic crowd, watch this celebration).
For those of you who don't know, record executives are small, formerly scrawny - now pot-bellied - men who couldn't make their high school sports teams, and who compensated by making millions in the music business. Every one of them would trade in every dollar to have won a letter from their high school, let alone to star on the team, let alone to be a professional sports star.
The crowd erupted in a standing ovation upon seeing Messier, a slender, unassuming man with a shaved head whom you would never pick out as an athlete. Messier hung back shyly. Fuentes assumed that the biggest names in the industry were wildly appplauding her, a VJ making $35k a year! She must have thought she stacked up favorably with the other super-duper stars appearing at the 1994 Awards - including Areosmith, the Stones, Bruce Springsteen, and Tom Petty.
This is a woman used to getting male attention and approval. Finally, after basking sufficiently in what she thought was the crowd's adulation, Ms. Fuentes (a gracious and attractive woman) gestured with her hands for the crowd to be seated.
Moral: Ladies, big boobs will attract men, but don't let it go to your head.
Follow Stanton on Twitter
Salma Hayak and Heather Graham, first and second place finishers in Huffington Post's "Who Has the Best Chest in Hollywood?"
Mark Messier accepting applause
Disclosure: This post was meant to be satirical and humorous, although obviously based on some (large) kernel of truth. But it's hard to parody evolutionary psychology, as the literalistic comments prove.