This Unhealthy Pattern Stops With Me

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As a marriage and family therapist, I work with clients to recognize and break family relationship patterns that no longer work for them. Many of us unknowingly repeat patterns in our relationships that have been going on for generations before us.

When people come to see me, they are often surprised to learn about the bigger picture of the issues they face. I have seen many patterns of abuse, under/over-functioning, addiction, "parentified" child, cut-off, people-pleasing, trauma, etc. It is important to recognize patterns so that you can truly see what you are up against when breaking a pattern fixed for many generations.

It is not easy to break a pattern for that very reason. Patterns are behaviors we have developed to manage life's difficulties and how we learned to interact with others, especially in times of hardship. Many people don't realize how impactful our family of origin is in creating our current relationship patterns.

For example, if you saw growing up your parents blow up from anger or withdraw when upset, you might lash out with rage or ignore the issues in your current relationships. And, of course, that is what you would do if your parents only knew how to release strong emotions or avoid them, instead of how to self-regulate, process their feelings, and respond thoughtfully.

We all know that our families are our foundation. In the early stages of life, we learn how to communicate, self-regulate, express our feelings, manage difficulties, and generally interact with others. If your family has a history of cut-off, you most likely lean towards cutting people out of your life when there is a disagreement.

In therapy, I often help my clients recognize what patterns they are repeating and what they are inclined to do when they are anxious, upset, or stressed out. If those behaviors only worsen matters, we work together to find better ways to respond, instead of react.

Changing our responses is easier said than done because our reactions feel automatic and hard to break. We also might need the tools to learn how to self-regulate, make better decisions, and break patterns. Following is an excellent path to start breaking patterns.

Awareness: Awareness is the first step toward breaking any pattern. Once you are aware of your part in the pattern and how it was developed, you can decide to change it.

I became mindful of the pattern of people-pleasing and the eldest becoming the "parentified" child in my family. My mother was always trying to please her parents and took on a lot of responsibility for helping to raise her younger brothers. She was sensitive to the discomfort of others, and her automatic reaction was to help.

I also took on the role of people-pleaser and the "parentified" child, as well, in that when I was picking up on my parents' stress, I offered to help and took on a lot of roles in helping my siblings.

I repeated this pattern in friendships, romantic relationships, and at work. I jumped up to "help" and stepped in when someone was uncomfortable—leaving me overwhelmed and tired. If I hadn't broken that pattern when I started having my children, I would have been even more stressed out. My eldest daughter would have most likely been the one to step up and take on too much of a parental role and pleasing.

This is how patterns repeat. One of the best ways to become aware of patterns is to create a family genogram going back at least three generations. A genogram is a family tree mapping out relational patterns.

Decide to Change: Deciding that the pattern stops with you isn't about trying to make others change. Instead, it is in knowing that you are part of a more extensive system with fixed ways of interacting and consciously choosing to change your role. You do this by shifting the focus to yourself and what you want to change.

When I decided to change my people-pleasing ways, this included:

• Not taking on responsibilities that were not mine.
• Creating boundaries.
• I felt the discomfort around others discomfort without trying to fix it.
• Saying "no."
• Differentiating more of a self.

I always recommend to my clients to start making changes in their family relationships. I began by setting boundaries in my family relationships and clarifying what I was and was not willing to do.

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When I noticed I was overwhelmed, I used that knowledge to get clear about where I could cut back because it became a signal to me that I was pleasing again. I am thoughtful in that although I want to raise responsible children who contribute to the family, I am aware of their developmental stages.

I am mindful of not having them scatter to do developmentally inappropriate things because I am stressed. I don't want them to grow up feeling responsible for others' emotions, only responsible for themselves and how they spend their time and resources.

Be Your Changes: You don't necessarily have to communicate the changes you are making; be the changes. I didn't announce to my family that I would no longer be a people-pleaser; I showed them through how I communicated and interacted with them.

You can expect pushback from family, friends, and co-workers when making changes. It is uncomfortable for others who are used to interacting with you in a certain way to feel like you are changing. Just know that the pushback usually passes over time, as you consistently are a pattern breaker.

Keep close to your values and principles, and know that when you change and grow, it helps your loved ones do the same, too. I have seen my family members mature once I started to get out of their way. When I was always stepping in to help, it didn't allow them to learn how to manage and overcome their difficulties.

Through your maturity and personal development, you become a model for others without really having to teach them what they need to change.

Our family provides the foundation for attachment style, communication patterns, expressing needs and boundaries in relationships, emotional regulation, and self-worth. Sometimes, parents or caregivers do not understand that specific family dynamics aren't healthy or do not have the tools to fix these patterns.

It is useful to understand the impact of relational patterns on one's own life, especially if they are unhealthy. Developing more mature behavior patterns takes time; it is typical to feel discouraged if you fall into old patterns.

Change is a slow, gradual process, so it is essential to celebrate your progress as you begin to see the changes in your behaviors and responses.