Reflect on Your Boundary Style and Find Flexibility

Are you struggling to find the right balance in your relationships? It's common for individuals in relationships to have different boundary styles, which can lead to problematic patterns. One person might over-function while the other under-functions, or one might demand while the other withdraws. Sometimes, one person is extremely conscientious, while the other seems careless. These differences can lead to criticism, judgment, and hurtful labels like "narcissist," "co-dependent," "lazy," or "crazy," which don't help the relationship.

As the activist Father Greg Boyle wisely states, "We don't make progress when we demonize; we should abandon that altogether and in all circumstances refuse to do it." However, as a psychotherapist, I recognize that my clients might be noticing some genuine boundary inflexibility in the person they're trying to relate to. So, what can we do?

One helpful concept I learned from my former therapist (the best therapist), Joanne Dolhanty, Ph.D., is the concept of "Animal Boundary Styles" (see her excellent book in the references).

Too Porous or Too Rigid?

Reflect on your boundaries—what you allow in, and what you are expressing to the world. Are you experiencing balance, or are you more often overwhelmed, depleted, lonely, or frustrated? Our boundaries are our "emotional skin." If our skin doesn’t let nutrients and sunlight in, our skin could become dry. If our skin doesn’t let toxins out, then we might get a horrible infection! Consider the following scenarios regarding our emotional boundaries:

Too Porous Incoming

Sometimes, we might find ourselves offering too much support or taking on too much responsibility for other people's emotional pain. When this happens, we can end up feeling drained and overwhelmed. It's important to remember that you have the right to protect yourself! There are strategies you can use to set emotional boundaries, even when you can't physically distance yourself from the situation. I highly recommend checking out "The Empath's Survival Guide" for some great ideas on how to do this.

Too Rigid Incoming

On the other hand, we might struggle with being too rigid in what we allow in. This can look like not truly listening to others or understanding what they need. It might also look like not receiving the care that someone is trying to give you. Being curious and allowing others to influence you can feel vulnerable, and yet it might just be the nourishment you need in your relationships. As my mentor used to tell me, "You get the love that you allow in."

Too Porous Outgoing

We might find ourselves oversharing, giving too much advice, or overwhelming others with our emotions. In these cases, it's important to develop a more nuanced and careful approach before sharing our truths. Sometimes, it's not what we're saying, but how we're saying it—and the sheer volume of words—that isn't landing. A simple strategy here could be asking more questions and checking in with the other person to see if they're open to hearing what you have to say.

Too Rigid Outgoing

On the flip side, if we're too rigid in expressing ourselves, others may have no clue what we are feeling or needing. Then, we might find ourselves feeling lonely and lacking reliable support. Opening ourselves up and risking being seen is a necessary part of being nourished by love. So, if you're struggling with this, try taking small steps towards vulnerability and see how it feels.

Animal Analogies of Boundary Styles

I appreciate the animal boundary styles model that Dr. Dolhanty taught me because each animal style has its strengths, and we can all work to become more flexible. Let's explore these styles:

The Jellyfish: Too Porous Incoming and Outgoing

The "jellyfish" among us are high in empathy and easily overwhelmed and emotionally dysregulated. Jellyfish are transparent, and often get pushed around by their circumstances. It may be challenging for others to be close to someone who is "jellyfishing" without also taking on their overwhelm and dysregulation.

The Ostrich: Too Rigid Incoming and Outgoing

The "ostrich" among us is steady and stable. However, others may find it frustrating that they don't know what the ostrich feels or needs, and may not perceive that the ostrich wants to know what they are feeling or meet their needs. When a person is "ostriching," their head is in the sand, and they are not actively meeting their own or other people's needs.

Boundaries Essential Reads

Are All Boundary Violations Dealbreakers?

Are You Sacrificing Your Health to Keep Others Happy?

The Kangaroo: Too Porous Incoming, Too Rigid Outgoing

The "kangaroo" are caregivers and feel deep empathy for those around them. Yet, they may not allow others to know what they feel or need. This is unsustainable. "Kangaroos" may find themselves carrying adult humans in their pouch, which is exhausting. Additionally, the adult humans in the pouch don't like the confinement and don't learn to solve their own problems or meet the kangaroo's needs.

The Rhino: Too Rigid Incoming, Too Porous Outgoing

The "rhino" can be courageous, intrepid leaders, focusing on the task at hand and making it happen! However, they can also trample others because they are not taking in enough information about other's feelings and needs before asserting themselves. If you are "rhino-ing," you might be perceived as a bully, which invites resistance and arguments.

Find your animal boundary style!

Source: Jaimie Lusk

Becoming the Dolphin Flexible Incoming, Flexible Outgoing

The "dolphin" balances what comes in and what goes out, depending on the context. Flexibly attending to the feelings and needs of both the self and the other, while remaining sensitive to context—this is the balance we can all practice.

So all you cute little animals out there—may we keep our animal strengths, and grow in our flexibility so we can experience more safety, joy and connection in our relationships!