A Whole Love Story: The Lost Art of Receiving

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When we sing the praises of someone loving, we inevitably refer to the person’s ability to give love. As our accolades praise giving love, the ability to receive love fades into anonymity. Do we believe the capacity to receive love is a given and not worthy of acknowledgment? The combination of my work with hundreds of couples and my own experience has taught me that receiving love often does not happen easily. My experience suggests that a measure of cultural influence offers males more entitlement to receive while holding a solid mandate for females to remain giving.

How Does Giving Grab All the Attention?

*Giving is typically an external action. We tend to favor what can be seen, heard, and touched.

*Receiving is primarily an internal action. Other than words of appreciation, receiving takes place in the interior world, where it acquires a measure of anonymity.

*Giving is accompanied by a feeling of being in control. It’s an assertive action, as it brings forward some contribution.

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The Psychological and Spiritual Practice of Receiving

*Remain aware of the culture’s bias. This awareness can help you resist buying into a lack of appreciation for receiving.

*Learn to hold the view that receiving has equal value to giving.

*Remain conscious that as an effective receiver, you are allowing the giving of love to take place.

*When you are receiving someone’s authentic offering, breathe abdominally. This will help you stay present during the transaction.

*Learn to take in what you believe to be a trustworthy offering. “Taking the offering in” means noticing where you feel touched and moved in your body. Bring your breath to that area in your body. You can also notice where resistance to receiving sits in your body, possibly feeling out of control. Just notice these energies. Try to let go of any evaluation of them.

*Say as little as possible when receiving. Your silence, as well as an economy of language, honors both the giving and the receiving. My favorite usages of language are: “You’re very generous,” “You are very kind,” and “Thank you.”

*Following your experience of receiving, remind yourself that as a competent receiver, you’re allowing love to happen.

Of course, you may need to battle with some voices claiming you are not deserving. Your deservedness may need professional support. However, until you feel more deserving, treat your receiving as a gift to the giver, allowing what’s offered to live.

Lastly, make a counter-cultural move when you believe you’re witnessing someone graciously receiving. Let them know you appreciate their grace and ease of receiving. It’s time to invite receiving out of the shadows of being identified as a substandard dynamic with no real role in the life of love.