3 Reasons Goals Become Toxic

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If you’ve ever encountered my thoughts on purpose, you’ve probably heard me differentiate between “big P” purpose and “little P” purpose. In short, I argue that big-P purpose is all about audacious, goal-oriented ambitions, while little-P purpose is rooted in process. You might assume, from this distinction, that I’m against setting goals. That’s not exactly true. In fact, I believe that goals have a place in our lives, though they often become toxic and unhelpful for three key reasons. Let’s dive into why goals can go wrong and how you can focus on process to make your ambitions healthier and more fulfilling.

1. Goals Are Often Unrealistic

The first issue with goals is that we tend to set them too high, aiming for something that feels almost impossible. This is particularly common in American culture, where we’re constantly told that we can achieve anything we set our minds to. But here’s the thing: While that might sound inspiring, it also sets us up for failure if we’re aiming too far beyond our current skill set or resources.

For example, society might tell us to strive for the NBA, not just to be a good basketball player; to become president, not just to make an impact in local politics; or to cure cancer, not just to do important research in molecular diseases. We’re constantly encouraged to dream big, and while there's nothing wrong with aiming high, the reality is that these kinds of goals can be unrealistic and discouraging.

Often, when we set ourselves up with big, audacious goals, we set ourselves up for failure. When I was a child, I desperately wanted to play on a college basketball team. But the truth is, I wasn’t tall enough, fast enough, or skilled enough to compete at that level. I even failed to make my high school team, and that disappointment left me frustrated and feeling unworthy.

This is a common experience. When we fail to meet a goal that we set for ourselves, it doesn’t just feel like a setback; it feels like a personal failure. And often that disappointment can overshadow the enjoyment or fulfillment we might have found in the process itself. So, one key reason goals can be toxic is that they’re often out of reach, leading to a sense of failure and discouragement when we inevitably fall short.

2. The Trap of Doubling Down

Once we set a goal, especially a big one, it can start to define our sense of purpose. When I first started podcasting, I set myself a goal of having 50,000 people download my podcast each month. I thought that hitting this number would somehow validate my work and make me feel successful. But here’s what happened: Once I hit that goal, I was only happy for a brief moment. The excitement quickly faded, and I was left wondering, “What now?”

The problem with this mindset is that, once you hit your goal, you don’t know what to do next. You’re often left feeling lost and unsure of where to go from there. So what did I do? I doubled down on the very actions that didn’t bring me joy—posting on social media, focusing on things I didn’t enjoy—because I thought hitting 100,000 downloads was the next logical step.

In essence, I was putting my happiness in the hands of an external marker of success, one that was constantly shifting and difficult to maintain. The result? I found myself continually doubling down on activities that didn’t align with my values, just to reach another arbitrary goal. It’s an endless cycle, in which the process becomes less important than the outcome.

This is the second reason why goals can be toxic: They can create a sense of compulsive ambition, where achieving one goal simply leads to the pursuit of another, often at the cost of well-being. The danger is that you lose sight of what you truly enjoy and start pursuing things that don’t bring you joy, just to keep chasing after that next “bigger” goal.

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3. Loss Aversion: The Fear of Losing What We’ve Gained

The third reason goals can be toxic is rooted in the psychological concept of loss aversion. According to research in behavioral economics, loss aversion is the tendency to fear losing something we’ve gained more than we fear not gaining something in the first place. Essentially, we become more distressed by the thought of losing an achievement than by not achieving it in the first place.

I had a personal experience with loss aversion after my book, Taking Stock, became an Amazon bestseller. Initially, I was thrilled, but as time passed and my sales declined, I found myself constantly checking my sales rank and obsessing over whether I could regain that bestseller status. The joy of having hit that goal faded quickly as I became fixated on the possibility of losing it.

The more I clung to the idea of being a bestseller, the more I found myself in a state of constant anxiety. I was so focused on maintaining the achievement that it actually took away from the enjoyment of having written the book in the first place. This is the toxic side of goals: Instead of feeling proud of the process and growth I experienced, I became fixated on the outcome, and the fear of losing it became overwhelming.

Loss aversion isn’t just about achievements like bestselling status; it can apply to any goal. We’re more likely to make decisions based on the fear of losing something we’ve gained, rather than enjoying what we have. In essence, the pursuit of a goal can sometimes undermine the very sense of fulfillment it’s meant to provide.

A Better Way: Be Goal Agnostic

So, what’s the solution? Some might say the answer is to avoid goals entirely. But I don’t think that’s necessary. Instead, I advocate for a more goal-agnostic approach. This doesn’t mean rejecting goals entirely, but rather adopting a mindset in which the outcome of the goal matters less than the process itself.

By focusing on process rather than outcome, you shift your mindset from being goal-obsessed to being engaged in the journey. This means enjoying the act of pursuing the goal itself, regardless of whether you reach it. For example, when I was trying to make the basketball team, I could have enjoyed playing basketball for the sake of the game itself, rather than solely focusing on the outcome of making the team. The same would apply to writing my book: I could have focused on the joy of writing, not the external validation of being a bestseller.

Instead of obsessing over achieving a goal, focus on becoming the person you want to be in the process. When I wrote my book, I became the author, and that identity was something that couldn’t be taken away from me, regardless of whether the book ever hit the bestseller list again.

Ultimately, goals can be helpful, but they need to be balanced with a focus on the process. This way, you can find fulfillment in both the pursuit and the journey, not just the end result.