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Key points
- Asexuality has historically been stigmatized but, for most asexual people, is a positive identity and not evidence of malfunction.
- Some asexuals want multiple partners with whom they may have sexual or romantic relationships but often have emotional intimacy.
- Some asexuals prefer monogamy and do not want to have an allosexual partner who has other partners.
While the general public tends to assume that sexuality is the primary component of polyamorous relationships, research finds something quite different. Findings from my longitudinal study of polyamorous families with children indicate that polyaffectivity is far more important for sustained polyamorous relationships. Other researchers have also found that communication, negotiation, and meeting emotional needs are more important than sexuality when it comes to long-term polyamorous relationships. Recent research shows that some polyamorous relationships do not include sexuality at all.
Asexuality
Asexuals have always been part of society but have often been misinterpreted as either malfunctioning—mislabeled as frigid or repressed—or hyperfunctioning with a fantastically strong moral sexual denial. Both of these assumptions are incorrect. Instead, asexuality is a common occurrence on the spectrum of sexualities where people do not experience sexual attraction, do not wish to act on sexual attraction with others, or experience sexual attraction only within certain specific bounds. Asexuality stands in contrast to allosexuality, in which a person feels sexual attraction for others and wishes to act on that attraction with select partners and under specific circumstances.
Communities of asexuals have rejected pathologizing interpretations that misunderstand them and instead crafted a positive asexual identity shaped around experience, choice, and intent. They often label themselves as “Ace” and have developed a rich and complex understanding of the many shades of asexuality. At root, they all share a common rejection of compulsory sexuality that assumes everyone has sexual attraction and that those who claim that they do not are either lying or deluded. Some Ace folks enjoy feelings of romantic attraction, and others who identify as “aromantic” do not experience falling in love. If someone is both asexual and aromantic they might identify themselves as Ace/Aro.
Asexuality differs from celibacy because Ace folks are not choosing to abstain from sexuality but rather do not feel sexual attraction. Celibacy is a practice, often based on religion or personal belief, in which an allosexual chooses not to act on their sexual attractions for a while or a lifetime.
Aubri Lancaster, sexuality educator and speaker, points out that asexuality can take many forms. Ace folks can be favorable toward sexuality where they appreciate it but don’t necessarily want to engage in themselves, indifferent to sexuality where they don’t care about it either way, averse to sexuality where they would rather not hear or think about it, or repulsed by sexuality where they are disgusted by viewing or thinking about sexuality and certainly do not wish to have sex with others. Some Ace folks enjoy physical closeness and even some forms of sexual interaction but do not hold orgasm as the ultimate goal. Others develop sexual attraction only under certain circumstances or with specific people, and many prefer no sexual contact at all. Some Ace folks masturbate, and others have no interest in solo sexual stimulation.
Lancaster also distinguishes between sexual attraction, which is a feeling of finding someone else appealing sexually, and desire, which is about wanting or craving sexual sensations or interactions. In an email exchange with me, Lancaster opined that “The element of desire is related to the identity of Asexual in that the community makes space for people to not want interpersonal sexual contact regardless of their attractions as that has historically been marginalized and pathologized, but the orientation of Asexuality as situated in the context of Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Pan is about sexual attraction.” The wide world of asexuality is gaining public visibility, with more people coming to identify as Ace than ever before.
Ace and Poly
Why would a person identify as both asexual and polyamorous? Under what circumstances do these relationships evolve, and how do they work? Daniel Copulsky, research coordinator and member of the board of directors at the Center for Positive Sexuality,* has investigated these questions and found some truly fascinating answers. Copulsky finds that Ace folks are drawn to polyamory for a range of reasons and that it is even more popular among Ace folks than the general population. “Lots of polyamorous people talk about feeling some innate draw towards multiple relationships,” Copulsky said in an email exchange with me. “It makes sense that some ace individuals also feel that draw, even if they don't want sex to be a part of those relationships.”
Sometimes an Ace-identified person will partner with an allosexual in a relationship that is monogamous for the Ace and polyamorous for the Allo, who has sexual relationships with other Allos. Other Ace folks have multiple partners with whom they have emotional intimacy and affection with varying degrees of sexual contact, including no sexual contact at all.
Many folks on the Ace/Aro spectrum seek emotionally intimate relationships, and polyamory can provide access to multiple loving partners. Consensual nonmonogamy (CNM) is not a one-size-fits-all response to asexuality, however. Copulsky’s research found that, with the rise of awareness of CNM as a legitimate relational choice, some Ace folks who have an allosexual partner feel pressured to become polyamorous to allow their partner to have sexual interactions with others. In their research, Copulsky found that “Polyamorous spaces can be challenging for ace individuals, because there may be expectations that everyone has a high sex drive and is looking for sex.” As I have pointed out repeatedly in this blog, CNM does not work for everyone, and some people who identify as Ace would prefer to be in a monogamous relationship.
*I am also an affiliate of the Center for Positive Sexuality.
References
Copulsky, D. (2016). Asexual polyamory: Potential challenges and benefits. Journal of Positive Sexuality, 2(1), 11-15.
