Self-Disclosure: Removing Your Inner Mask

Do you easily share your emotions and experiences, or rather, prefer to keep others at an emotional distance? How difficult is it for you to reveal your innermost joys, goals, and disappointments? Research is now clear that your answers bear strongly on your happiness—though over 65 years ago, Dr. Sidney Jourard pioneered the concept of self-disclosure. Today, it's often termed transparency, especially in a business context. As Canadian-born Jourard correctly asserted, the extent to which we’re able to reveal ourselves to other people has important consequences for our social relationships--and for our personal well-being, too.

Curiously enough, none of the major founders of personality and behavior ever wrote significantly on this topic. For Sigmund Freud, sexual repression was always the key issue—and for his early colleague Alfred Adler, it was our inborn need for a sense of mastery or power. As for Carl Jung, the third figure in the twentieth-century triumvirate in this field, he showed even less interest in understanding our capacity to reveal ourselves to others. Though William James—founder of American psychology—wrote eloquently about “the varieties of religious experience” in his influential book with that title, intimate relationships were not his focus. And, of course, such leading American behaviorists as John B. Watson, and later B.F. Skinner, based their theories predominantly on experimental studies with laboratory rats and pigeons. Not much opportunity for understanding emotional intimacy there!

By the late 1950s, the psychology field clearly had a gaping conceptual hole with regard to the topic of healthy close relationships—and Sidney Jourard brilliantly helped to fill it. As Abraham Maslow's biographer, I discovered that he valued Jourard's work as early as 1960 and believed that people who self-disclose are friendlier and more likeable. "I have been lecturing about your ideas," he warmly wrote the younger psychologist. Carl Rogers echoed such sentiments in a correspondence with Jourard.

Because Jourard never provided a memoir, it’s hard to know what aroused his own interest in this uncharted topic. In 1958, he jointly authored his first professional paper on self-disclosure. In this study, Jourard and Dr. Paul Lasakow created the first questionnaire on this trait, and it has remained ever since the prototype for research in this field. The following year, Jourard produced a detailed theoretical paper on self-disclosure, which generated major, enduring impact. Then, in his mid-30s, Jourard wisely asserted that, “Activities such as loving, psychotherapy, counseling, teaching, and nursing all are impossible without the disclosure of the client. It is through self-disclosure that an individual reveals to {oneself} and {others] just exactly who, what, and where {one} is."

Jourard followed up with a series of books about self-disclosure in daily life in rapid succession. These included The Transparent Self (his most famous work) and Healthy Personality. Since then, a host of psychological studies have confirmed his viewpoint. Especially when it involves intimate romantic relationships, people are more satisfied when self-disclosure is present—in particular, regarding one’s confidence about opening up freely. It’s also important to feel that one’s romantic partner is emotionally open rather than guarded.

Research consistently shows that romantic partners tend to match each other in how much they self-reveal—and that cultural forces are potent. For example, Hispanic/Latin American persons are generally more willing to talk about a wider range of topics--such as their preferences in music, movies, and hobbies—than their North American counterparts.

Psychologists have also found that self-disclosure has a mutual, reciprocal effect—so the 19th-century British novelist Jane Austen seems to have been mistaken in lamenting that, “Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.” Rather, there’s solid evidence that when we hear someone self-disclose, it encourages us to become more forthcoming as well. And that event, in turn, leads the other person to respond more deeply. Recent research shows that this happens with online communication, such as social media and dating websites.

Self-disclosure isn’t important only in romantic relationships, it also seems vital for emotional intimacy between parents and children. In a study-in-progress, my colleagues and I have found that college students feel significantly closer to mothers and fathers who reminisced about their childhoods, adolescence, and young adulthood compared to those with aloof parents. Does this mean to reveal everything? Of course not. As Jourard, who died in 1974 in a bizarre accident, would surely have agreed, it’s essential to use judgment in self-disclosing. Especially when it comes to the workplace, most psychologists recommend caution about what to share. Still, most of us would benefit by unbottling what’s inside us.

How to accomplish this? For the next week, share something meaningful each day about yourself with at least one acquaintance. It might concern a favorite childhood game or hobby, a memorable vacation, or a recent book or movie that moved you. Don't feel obliged to reveal highly personal matters. However, avoid such trivialities as whether you had chocolate or vanilla ice cream for dessert last night. During your self-disclosing conversations, avoid intellectualization and keep the focus on your feelings.