If a Roman Emperor Couldn’t Get It, Why Should We Expect It?

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The most powerful ruler on Earth at the height of the Roman Empire couldn’t get it despite his vast powers. And yet, we all seem to expect it.

Even demand it. And become insistent, outraged, or perhaps bellicose when we don’t get it.

What is it? Expecting others to meet our needs and to put our needs before their own.

One of the first life lessons is learning to expect others to meet our needs. As newborns, we are wholly dependent on others. We expect the breast or bottle when we are hungry, long before we can express our needs in words.

We soon learn that others may not always meet our needs or meet them quickly enough. We may be hungry or wet, but relief doesn’t come in an instant. As infants, we learn an early lesson—to wait—although we may spend waiting times crying our eyes out.

Expectancy breeds disappointment. In clinical practice, I see people getting steamed, annoyed, and irritated when others fail to meet their needs or expectations. It may happen when members of the team we manage at work don’t meet their responsibilities or live up to our expectations, when our students neglect their assignments, when our spouse doesn’t respond to our needs, even if we don’t voice what it is we want, and when institutions and organizations fail to live up to collective expectations (“Now, when will I receive that tax refund?”).

Is it reasonable to assume that other people will put your needs first? We can take a lesson from the 2nd-century Roman Emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius (121-180 AD) and prepare ourselves for the inevitable disappointment, frustration, and aggravation we’re likely to face when others don’t measure up to our expectations. People do what they do because they believe it is the right thing to do. They are not selfish to act in their perceived self-interest. They are just human.

Marcus kept a record of his thoughts and reflections, compiled in his Meditations, which is widely considered one of the greatest works of Western civilization. His thinking was influenced by many philosophers, but especially by those of the Greek school of philosophy called Stoicism, which was practiced and further developed by many Roman thinkers, including Marcus himself, as well as the statesman Seneca and Epictetus, a formerly enslaved Stoic teacher who had a considerable impact on Marcus’s thinking.

In the Meditations, Marcus reflected on the nature of human behavior and the importance of accepting others as they are—especially when they fell short of his expectations. To Marcus, the key to living a good life comes down to how we think about things and, by extension, how we come to terms with unmet expectations.

If you are worked up about the imperfections and failings of others, you might take a lesson or two from Marcus and other thinkers in the Stoic tradition. Here are a few choice passages from his Meditations:

“Say to yourself in the early morning: I shall meet today ungrateful, violent, treacherous, envious, uncharitable men. All these things have come upon them through ignorance of real good and ill.”

As powerful as he was as a Roman Emperor, Marcus mentally prepared himself each morning to expect to be disappointed by the inevitable shortcomings of others. Rather than launch into a tirade against others over whom he held ultimate power, he reminded himself to expect others to act in their self-interest, doing what they perceive to be right, though they may be truly ignorant of “real good and ill.” Recognizing that these shortcomings are a product of ignorance or self-interest, not ill will, he did not allow himself to become angry or surprised when others disappointed him.

In a related passage, he elaborates on this theme: “When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil.”

“You can hold your breath until you turn blue, but they’ll still go on doing it.”

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Here, Marcus offers a prescription for not letting other people push our buttons. Accepting people for who and what they are keeps us from making demands they cannot or will not meet.

“When someone acts badly toward you, remember that he acts that way because he thinks it is right. It is not possible for him to act according to your judgment, but only according to his.”

Marcus emphasizes letting go of our rigid expectations and accepting the fact that others act from their own understanding—not ours. That’s not to say we should grin and bear it when others treat us unfairly or insensitively. We can act assertively in expressing dissatisfaction in a constructive way that focuses on resolving disagreements and conflicts, not by hurling insults and criticisms or letting anger get the better of us.

“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

Marcus realized that while we cannot control external events, the power we have over our minds is a source of strength. Though we cannot control other people, we can control how we react to them. Marcus tells us that everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact, and everything we see is a perspective, not the truth. He wrote that happiness depends on the quality of our thoughts, “that it’s all how you choose to see things.”

These themes echo in the work of CBT therapists today. We need to own our emotions, recognizing that they are private mental experiences that no one else controls. No one can push your emotional buttons unless you turn your control over to them.

In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), we work with patients to help them stop beating themselves up for not being able to control what lies beyond their ability to control. Patients learn to recognize what they can and can’t control. We can’t control what other people do or say, but we can control what we do and say when responding to them. Want to learn more about what Marcus has to say that resonates with the lives we live today? You can check out my earlier post, “Tips from a Roman Emperor on Living a Good Life.”

General Disclaimer: The content here and in other blog posts on the Minute Therapist is intended for informational purposes only and not for diagnosis, evaluation, or treatment of mental health disorders. If you are concerned about your emotional well-being or are experiencing any significant mental health problems, I encourage you to consult a licensed mental health professional in your area for a thorough evaluation.

Copyright © 2025 Jeffrey S. Nevid. All rights reserved.