Four Strategies to Defend Against Gaslighting at Work

Gaslighting is designed to destabilize the target or targets. It is meant to pull the carpet of reality out from under our feet. We become unbalanced, unsure, unstable which is exactly what the gaslighter wants to achieve. The gaslighter’s goal is to make us believe that we, or other targets, are deranged and untrustworthy.

If only we had a mechanism in our nervous system that could help us stay safer and saner. Fortunately, we do. Dr. Stephen Porges calls it “neuroception.” This threat detection system is a “shared connection” between our brain and body via the vagus nerve, which is a cranial nerve that “winds its way down from the brainstem and weaves through almost the entire body, all the way down to the gut.”

When we sense our gut instinct, it may well be our vagus nerve communicating between brain and body, alerting us to important information. It is our vagus nerve that can help us recognize the manipulation of gaslighting that strives to make us distrust our own brain and body. In response to a world that “seems designed to threaten and traumatize us at every turn,” Porges has constructed what he calls “The Polyvagal Theory.”

The Polyvagal Theory

Porges has created a body of knowledge about how our brains and bodies respond to threat. His decades of research have culminated in an approach that “allows us to understand human nature on a profound, empathic, and satisfying level.” It teaches us how to see “below the surface of seemingly irrational or aggressive actions and see them as a natural response to the world we’re all living in.”

If we are in a workplace where our interactions tilt into threats, fears, and anxieties – a domain where gaslighting may well rule – we need to learn how to first and foremost recognize it and then work with our brains and bodies to maintain stability, safety, and sanity. Becoming conscious of how our neuroception works gives us a healthy advantage.

Why Feeling Unsafe Puts Us at Risk

Porges explains that when we feel unsafe, we “become easy to manipulate.” Manipulation is what gaslighters do, and it greatly increases feelings of being unsafe. What matters to our nervous system is not how much actual danger we are in; “what matters to the nervous system is merely how safe we feel.” Notice that this is exactly the vulnerability that gaslighters exploit.

Gaslighting zeroes in on how a target or targets feel about their safety. Imagine how this unfolds in the workplace. The target is manipulated into thinking that when something goes wrong, it’s their fault. They are blamed, humiliated, and berated. If they raise the issue of maltreatment, they’re called “deranged,” “weak,” or "pathetic." They begin to doubt themselves and their understanding of what’s going on.

The targets are blamed for missing a meeting they weren’t told about, and when they ask about it, they’re told they forgot; the fault lies with them. The target or targets are showered with praise, connection, promises, but this initial secure ground becomes progressively less and less dependable as the gaslighter suggests they deserve humiliation, punishment, and dehumanization because, in fact, they are untrustworthy and do not belong. All of this normalized maltreatment makes the targets easier to manipulate.

Four Strategies to Halt Gaslighting in Its Tracks

We need to harness our neuroception. "Neuro" means brain, and Porges combines it with "-ception" to signal “perception” or “detection.” Step one requires us to be aware of this mechanism and use it to identify gaslighting and prevent its subtle manipulation of our sense of safety. Return to those workplace scenarios, and with each example, ask the question: Why would my manager or colleague want to make me feel unsafe?

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The answer is because it makes it easier to manipulate you. As Porges’ research shows, “When we feel unsafe, our bodies shut down our ability to critically think or learn.” Our tendency is to internalize maltreatment and reflect on where we went wrong, why we deserve this kind of harm, how we can be better, what words we can find to defend ourselves. Instead, pose the question about what the gaslighter’s agenda is to halt this inward spiral.

Step two requires us to apply this understanding to others. The perception and detection our brains supply can lead us to ask: Who is encouraging me to see others at work or elsewhere as untrustworthy, unworthy, not belonging, or without rights? Why does the gaslighter want me to interpret others as threats that make me feel unsafe? The answer is because it makes it easier to manipulate you.

Connection and community at work

Source: Hangela / Pixabay

Step three has us apply neuroception to instances of division. We need to be on high alert when we are being isolated or told to isolate others. Gaslighters use divide and conquer as a technique to manipulate others, making others more dependent on the gaslighter to assert what’s real, and thereby consolidate power. Porges emphasizes the exceptional strategy of not falling for this manipulation. He argues that our strength to resist gaslighting comes from connection, inseparable community, and what he calls “co-regulation.”

Step four emerges from a deliberate practice of co-regulation which is our ability to make one another feel safe. Remember feeling safe keeps us clearsighted, thinking critically, and resistant to manipulation. We can make ourselves and others feel safe by looking into one another’s eyes, reaching out with a reassuring gesture, applying a sing-song voice that is caring and empathic, and using facial expressions that are open and receptive.

Warning Signs

Notice with each of these four strategies the ways that gaslighters try to dismantle your neuroception. They focus on you, who you are, where you’re from, what you’ve done. The word they use most often is “you.” What happens is you turn your threat detection inwards and start searching for the issue within yourself. This is why your best response is to ask questions about the gaslighters and their agenda.

The gaslighter will try to connect with you by putting others into the out-group. This makes you feel unsafe and fearful that this humiliating and isolating tactic may be turned on you. When you hear put-downs, don’t look at the targets, again laser in on the gaslighter. Ask questions about why they are disseminating fear. All of these fear-inducing behaviours are red flags. Keep your neuroception focused on the gaslighter at all times.