The Gifts of Remembering

One of the cruelest outcomes of the “put it all behind you” and “move on with your life,” philosophy of managing loss is that we miss out on the gifts and life lessons that come through remembering. In a couple of recent events, I have been reminded of some of those gifts.

I moved away from Detroit, Michigan, more than 50 years ago, but through the years, I’ve stayed in touch with one of my dance teachers and mentors, Harriet Berg. Last December, I was blessed to attend an online celebration of Harriet’s 100th birthday. Her son and daughter-in-law did the arranging and, with her help, the invitations.

We celebrants were former students, performers in her productions, or children of her close friends, now deceased. We traded stories of how she had influenced our lives, reliving some of those experiences as we described them. “You’re all over our house,” I told Harriet as my husband and I had pulled framed posters and photos from the walls to offer a “show and tell” about my life with Harriet. In those years when I was the choreographer’s assistant and founding member of Festival Dancers, her dance company out of the Jewish Community Center, she was a central figure in my life. “Here we are, Harriet, costumed to perform Charles Widman’s, ‘All About Women,’ that Widman taught us when you brought him to the Detroit area in the early ’70s.”

After the event was over, and we spoke of doing it again, I realized that what we celebrants had created was a kind of memorial. As we shared our memories with Harriet, we made a “living memorial,” sometimes called a “living funeral.” Such an event is done in the presence of a person who realizes they are living in their final days. However, her final days did not seem imminent, at least to her as she reminded us that her father made it to 103. "I’m just trying to catch up with him,” she said.

My dear friend and teacher, Harriet Berg, passed away just a few weeks ago, February 20. What a gift it was to celebrate her life while she was still present, to hear our gratitude, to know that she mattered, and to see the ripple effects of her influence. Too often, we think of memorials as something that happens after a person is gone, but what if we made more space for these “living memorials”—opportunities to reflect, honor, and share the impact of those we love while they are still with us?

In grief, we are often encouraged to “move on,” but what if we moved forward with the stories, lessons, and love instead? Remembering doesn’t keep us stuck; it completes the circle, keeping us connected to what matters most.