The Sometimes Scary Uncertainty of Limerence

Certainty may, for the most part, be agreed upon, but its inherent, fundamental subjectivity, the experience of assessing the likelihood of a prediction's probability, is frightening.

Limerence was defined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov as a state of romantic obsession, wherein the individual is fixated on achieving emotional reciprocity from their object of affection. In popular articles on the subject, limerence entails the idealization of the object, through which negative qualities are either overlooked or minimized, and a narrow-minded quest for certainty. In them, it's often argued that limerence fades when feelings are reciprocated because either the rejection is clear or the infatuation evolves into a more sustainable form of love. Seldom mentioned are the often debilitating in-between states that exist for some, that place between love at first sight and relief. They indicate that going no contact, direct rejections, or established love remedy limerence, which isn't true all of the time. While this has been dubbed "pure limerence," the construct entails far more complicated manifestations.

Pure limerence is often separated from erotomania, which is the certainty that the individual you're in love with feels the same way about you, despite a significant amount of conflicting evidence. The former is marked by doubt while the latter is an instance of grandiose thinking (believing one knows better than the established evidence), especially when the love object is of higher status, which it usually is. Yet, there's an in-between state, which is prevalent in individuals with obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Here, the individual may be consumed with immense self-doubt, regardless of the "objective" amount of validation. (On the contrary, with autism spectrum disorder, there's sometimes an inability to detect relevant cues when they aren't direct, which helps sustain the limerent state.)

Normally, when limerence fades, there's an emotional balancing, the admirer begins to perceive the limerent object and themself as more or less equal. Yet, with the above-mentioned diagnoses, the idealization of the object and the devaluation of oneself may persist even if there's a significant amount of reciprocity. Love, in this respect, is not enough. While the object may provide ample reassurance, it only temporarily, if that, soothes the admirer, as they seek out more and more evidence, a higher and higher degree of certainty.

Concurrent Disorders
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) entails the "what ifs," an internal repetition of cutting questions, which cause its captive to consistently try to silence their inner critic. They may recall evidence, try to altogether avoid or suppress the inner chatter, or find better reasons to believe they're loved. Ultimately, they try and try to create better arguments. Concerning borderline personality disorder (BPD), the individual may feel so ashamed and unlovable that they endeavor to mold themself into a completely different person, despite already being loved, especially when they sense the prospect of being abandoned, increasing their sense of uncertainty. While the individual with OCD may ask for more and more proof, the individual with BPD may try to create it by recreating themself, becoming perfect, thus shielded from censure.

While it's argued that this may differ from pure limerence, we should consider how often extremely low self-esteem, an inability to find comfort in one's own judgments, and mood instability form the bedrock of limerence. Reality testing, or the ability to make predictions based on accurate assessments of the world, for each of these diagnoses, may be relatively poor, at least at times. Each is, in part, based on black-and-white thinking, which, as an example, may cause the individual to divide the world up between those aspects of it that are completely certain and the rest, that are completely uncertain, with no in-between.

Fundamentally, limerence, in these cases, is an indicator of a bigger problem, which often can't be solved by reciprocity. And, just as often, the admirer might believe that others, including the limerent object, are lying to them. They may be seeking the ultimate proof of their worth, that rare but exquisite love that breaks the spell. While you may call this anxious attachment, the truth is that none of it tends to work, not on its own. If you're struggling with limerence, despite others telling you that you should feel more certain one way or the other (that it's more certain than you believe), and if much of your distress prevents you from living your life, it's time to consider consulting a mental health professional.

Again, while pure limerence resolves on its own, this more aggressive form is often sustained by an absence of aid, particularly because the individual, through their stubbornness, refuses to allow anyone to change their mind. It's a form of control that contributes to significant sorrow. Again, frighteningly, the mind may believe what it wants to, or is only able to, for reasons unknown to it. The work begins by admitting that you may be wrong.