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Not every woman is looking for a live-in partner or a time-consuming romance.
Sometimes you want to keep it light. Hook-up sex might not be for you, for safety or because men tend to be less generous in foreplay in hook-ups. But "friends with benefits" — sex with a partner you trust and value — could make good sense.
"Friends with benefits" sounds like a plan for teens and 20-somethings. Actually, I've heard women in their forties on up say wistfully that they wouldn't mind some regular sex without worrying about all the other stuff — you know, your partner's health, schedule, capacity for intimacy, and compatibility with you.
But could you pull it off? How do you set this up so you don't get too attached?
Think about this sentence: "I can only do friends with benefits if we don't kiss or have oral sex and you can't stay overnight." What would be on your list? Can your FWB appear on weekends or only on weeknights? Is it essential that you never see each other outside of the bedroom?
What I have seen work well:
Madame X had sex monthly in her forties with one of her exes, a man, over five years. The key was that she had rejected him. He had traits she just didn't want to be around that often. Her ego wasn't at stake. Sometimes she would get confused and ask him if he wanted to try to have more of a relationship. He would say things like, "Honey, you know you don't like me all that much!" And he was right.
This guy was a mensch, an excellent, generous lover who communicated well. When he had a girlfriend, he wouldn't see Madame X, and then he'd show up again after the breakup. The arrangement ended when he met the woman he married.
Once, she was experimenting with Ben Wa balls — balls you insert in your vagina to strengthen your muscles. A ball got lost and came to rest behind a bend in her cervix. She knew where it was, but she couldn't reach it. This was before "urgent care" facilities had popped up and a Friday. She really didn't want to go to an ER or have a metal ball lost in her vagina until she could get to a gynecologist on Monday.
She called her FWB, who did some Internet research and came to see her right after his workday to perform his ministrations in the bathtub. They were in an "off" period when he had a girlfriend, who he went to see immediately afterward. Later he told Madame X that he had confessed to his girlfriend and she "wasn't pleased" but understood.
There are excellent rules to draw from this story. For simplicity, I'm going to assume a woman picking a man here, but I suspect similar considerations would apply to two women:
- An FWB should know how to be a friend. Pick someone who treats other people well. Madame X's FWB risked aggravating his girlfriend in order to assist her in an emergency.
- Choose an FWB attractive enough that you will enjoy the sex over time, but also with obvious traits that you dislike — the guy who you really can't tolerate for long. In my case, that'd be mansplainers: I will listen, but you must listen to me as well. I also don't tolerate naysayers or reflexive pessimists. If you pick someone who drives you crazy, the 10 minutes when he's putting on his pants will remind you why he's not your full-time guy.
- Don't pick the hot guy who makes you feel fantastic. He's probably spoiled by having too many options. He may be a narcissist who doesn't appreciate or deserve you, though he will probably flatter you in the beginning. When he leaves, and he will, he'll do it in a way that hurts. Narcissists will fail on point one: The FWB has to be a good person.
- How do you know he's a good person? Hold him to the ordinary standards: Does he reply to texts and emails or return the occasional phone call? (Remember: You have to be disciplined and not overdo it. Overdo it and you confuse the picture.) A good FWB keeps his promises: If he makes arrangements, he mostly sticks to them. If he insists that he is so busy that he can only text you two hours before he wants to hook up, he is making a point: My convenience trumps yours. A man who treats you like an Uber — on call when he needs a ride — isn't your friend: He actively needs to make you feel bad so he can feel good. That should chill your hot spot.
- Or let's say it heats up your hot spot. Maybe you like the feel of submission. Personally, I say, do up the drama with handcuffs, but he still has to be courteous. Keep kink in the bedroom.
- Strict schedules help; maybe he shows up at 9 p.m. every other Thursday. Uncertainty feeds addiction: If you never know when he's going to text next, you'll be watching your phone and inclined to say Yes whenever he asks just because you don't know when your next opportunity will be. This is the path to longing and plunging self-esteem.
- Don't go into this expecting that it will eventually turn into something else. It will evolve, but not necessarily the way you want it to. If you start falling for him, back off. Or tell him what's going on. Ask him to do the same.
- If you really want a deeper relationship, don't stop looking. Or only take a break for a while.
All of these rules apply to you as well: If you have more than one Ben Wa emergency when he's found a real girlfriend, you are the bad one. You're not being a friend. You have to treat your FWB well — which means sticking to the plan. Don't kid yourself that your man is invulnerable or will morph into someone who wants you to bear his children and isn't broke or morose or boring.
