Motivation
Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?
Identifying and understanding self-sabotaging behavioural patterns.
Posted May 28, 2021 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- People engage in a range of behaviours that might seem self-defeating.
- It is important to understand the forms that these behaviours can take, and why we might be sabotaging our attempts to achieve goals.
- People may self-sabotage for reasons such as fear, lack of thought or knowledge, or low self-efficacy.
I have therapy clients who come in to see me with a range of difficulties, including anxiety, depression, eating disorders, perfectionism, and anger issues. Some of my clients progress very well in therapy, practice what I suggest between sessions, and usually get better very quickly.
Other clients struggle a little more. They may come in wanting to feel better, but often find it hard to practice the techniques that we discuss in session, or make choices that run counter to all of what we have been working on. These clients often do not progress as quickly, and the therapy work usually needs to shift from working on the initial problem that brought them into treatment, to understanding the dynamics of what might be holding them back from progressing and investing in treatment, and the decisions that they might make that can seem so self-sabotaging.
No one wants to self-sabotage, yet most of us will engage in this behavioural pattern at some point in our lives. Consider the following examples:
- Wanting to exercise, but sleeping in instead.
- Swearing that you will never contact an ex again, but texting him/her when you are lonely.
- Planning to eat more vegetables, but buying some chips on the way home after a busy day.
- Wanting a relationship, but panicking when you meet someone promising, and pushing them away.
What is self-sabotage?
At its most basic, self-sabotage is a behavioural pattern that involves undermining our own goals or successes. It involves a range of behaviours, including refusal to commit to goals, identifying goals that are so lofty that we are sure to fail (this sets up a feedback loop of negative emotion and low self-efficacy), not planning or problem-solving appropriately, engaging in self-defeating actions that go against a goal we have set, not committing to a goal or plan fully, or pre-emptively withdrawing/shying away from a success.
Why do we do it?
People will self-sabotage for a number of reasons, but fundamentally, we can probably reduce these reasons to a few key factors.
Fear: Fear is probably the answer that most commonly springs to mind when people think of self-sabotage. Surely, people only sabotage themselves because they are scared of what it would mean to succeed? While I can see the appeal that this neat answer has, it is most often only true for a small proportion of people.
Sometimes people are scared of success or change, and while they may not like where they are at, the comfort inherent in that space provides many benefits, such that they might not want to take steps to change, even despite a dissatisfaction with the status quo. I often see this in my work with people who may have had very long-term and very unhappy relationships. People talk about having spent years locked into a marriage without any true compatibility, intimacy, sex, or understanding. Yet, when we discuss leaving the marriage, they balk and postpone it (“not until the kids finish school," “not until I get work sorted”). At the heart of this often lies an investment in the secondary gains around remaining in the situation (ease, familiarity, financial comfort, avoidance of conflict) and a fear of the steps needed to effect change.
Lack of thought or knowledge: Sometimes people struggle with planning, or have vague and unarticulated goals and do not fully understand what it would take to achieve something. They may want to study a postgraduate degree, but have not stopped to consider what it would take to enroll in and successfully focus on study, the sacrifices they might need to make (such as work time, exercise, time with friends), the opportunity costs of this pathway, or their capacity to truly commit to this course at this point in time. While this may resemble self-sabotage, it may instead be a matter of badly planned or overly ambitious goals.
Low self-efficacy: Self-efficacy is our belief in our capacity to manage a certain situation or to effect change in our lives. It is probably one of the most vital psychological competencies we can build, because it lies at the heart of our belief that we can change our lives, learn new things, or develop better behaviours and patterns. If we lack this belief, we are likely to experience some learned helplessness and will not even contemplate taking action on making changes we might desire, because we do not fundamentally believe that we will succeed.
Lack of clarity regarding values and direction or lack of understanding of the costs of not committing: Sometimes people have simply not spent much time considering what their key values are, and what directions and pathways they wish to explore. Instead, people might make decisions based on fear (“I don’t want to be poor,” “I don’t want to be alone”), based on what other people want them to do (“My parents always wanted me to be a doctor, so I will study medicine”), cultural influences (“Everyone my age is getting engaged, so I probably should as well”), or circumstance. People might seem rudderless and fall into a range of jobs, relationships, or friendships in a seemingly self-defeating manner—though this may instead be reflective of a lack of forethought and planning.
Sometimes people forget that not making a choice is in itself a choice, and that the costs of refusing to commit to a course of action or being unable to sustain action can have heavy costs in the long term (e.g., not being able to delay gratification and say no to a night out might cumulatively lead to failing a university degree—if the same choice is made x100, which will likely impact hugely on job choice, earning potential and one’s lifestyle in the future).
It is very important to live lives directed by choice, not chance, and to make good decisions based on a clear sense of what we value and what we want to explore in life. None of us can have everything or do everything, so approaching healthy and positive goals necessitates a conscious choice to pursue that goal instead of other goals.
Part 2 of this series will explore ways to reduce self-sabotaging behaviours.
