Don't Let Narcissists Ruin Your Health

Who's the prettiest one of all?

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It starts out with a bang. The narcissist in your life may be the most charming person you've ever met, doting on you and showering you with love and praise. What a great feeling! And then it goes out like a light.

Now you are the one who must shower the narcissist with love and praise. If you don't, they will shame you and make you feel guilty. What, you wonder, did you do to destroy such a magical relationship? But you didn't do it. The narcissist in your life—your lover, your parent, your boss—is firmly in charge.

By narcissist, I mean those who are so hopped up on their own ego that they feel entitled to exploit anyone in their orbit. Don't confuse it with self-confidence—narcissists are typically insecure and require affirmation; they need to control you. As Peggy Drexler writes: "There is a simple difference between high self-esteem and narcissism. Those with high self-esteem use their confidence as a tool to forge relationships. True narcissists couldn't care less. They don’t want relationships. They want an entourage..."

Narcissists will try to separate you from supportive friends—the ones who are warning you about this lopsided relationship. In order to elevate themselves, narcissists need to lower your own self-esteem and gaslight you into doubting your sanity. Are you looking for sympathy? Don't look to a narcissist. Sympathy is what they are expecting from you.

Life with a narcissist can be extremely stressful, leading to depression or anxiety. It can also make you physically sick. You may feel it in the pit of your stomach. This isn't surprising, as stress and dismay are often coupled with a gut disturbance. There's a good reason for this: Your brain is intimately connected to the trillions of microbes in your gut, called your microbiota.

Research over the past decade has shown that there are multiple links between these microbes and your brain. Amazingly—and disconcertingly—your microbes can talk to your brain in a language it understands: neurotransmitters, the chemicals in your brain that allow one nerve cell to talk to another. Neurotransmitters like serotonin or dopamine are the traditional targets of drugs that treat depression and anxiety.

Mouse studies have shown that stressing a mouse alters its gut microbiota. For this research, mice are placed in a cage with a bigger bully mouse, who intimidates and pushes them around a bit before the researcher pulls them out. After a few days of this, they become depressed and anxious. Their gut bacteria change, and the mice suffer chronic systemic inflammation. This is called social defeat stress, and it makes them miserable. If you feel sorry for these mice, then you know what your friends are feeling about you.

The gut-brain communication involves the vagus nerve that runs from your intestines to your brain stem. It's bidirectional: Your brain can talk back. Stress can immediately signal your gut to tone down its immune response. Evolution has led to this simple survival circuit: If you're being chased by a tiger, you can ignore your upset stomach. Your body needs all the vigor it can muster to run, and it sucks up the energy of your immune system to get it. That's totally reasonable when avoiding a tiger; you either escape after a few scary minutes, or you become lunch. Given the alternative, a short pause in fighting microbes is no big deal.

But modern life presents us with something that we aren't well-adapted for: chronic stress. The longer a narcissist dominates your life, the more stress you suffer. Stress can sometimes snuff the fires of immunity for so long that pathogens can sneak into your bloodstream, making you septic. This can simmer for months, or even years, as low-grade inflammation can flare up in a surprising number of ways, including arthritis, depression, IBD, IBS, psoriasis, headaches, fatigue, and allergies.

A stressed brain can negatively affect your gut microbes, making you queasy and increasing your mental stress, creating a nasty feedback loop. The narcissist in your life is at the center of this soul-sapping cycle. No matter how empathetic and loving you are, you are unlikely to change them. That's a job for a professional, although good luck getting them there. It's hard to help someone who thinks you are the problem, not them.

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If you are feeling stifled or depressed, your best bet may be to dump the narcissist. As Melanie Greenberg points out, the narcissist "can reel you in, frantically romance you, devour you, and spit you out in a heartbeat. If you are beautiful and insecure or a 'giver' in relationships, you are a prime target. So how do you avoid the bait? The key is to identify them early and make a quick exit."

That’s tricky if they are your boss or parent, but try to distance yourself or put up walls as much as you can. Narcissists expend a lot of energy on manipulating you, and they won't go away easily, but stand up for yourself. Enlist your friends for support. A better world awaits!

You may find you are still suffering even after you lose your narcissist. That may be due to the lingering unnatural microbiota established during those stressful times. What can be done?

• Certain bacteria, like those in kraut or yogurt, can improve your mood by competing with pathogens for resources or killing them outright. These have been dubbed psychobiotics by two Irish scientists, John Cryan and Ted Dinan, who have pioneered this intriguing research. Try fermented foods, but make sure they have active cultures.
• Add fiber to your diet. Fiber conjures images of tree bark, but it really refers to complex sugars that feed the microbial menagerie in your gut. Fiber is found in veggies like onions, asparagus, artichokes, and leafy greens.
• Try prebiotic supplements. Prebiotics are concentrated fiber, and they can do a lot to boost your good psychobiotic bacteria.
• Get some exercise. Exercise improves the balance of your gut microbes. A great exercise is to push yourself away from narcissists.

Narcissists can leave psychic scars that take time to work through, but your gut health is under your control. Get on top of it, and you will get better sooner rather than later. And now that you know what the drill is, tell the narcissists in your life to take a hike.