Your Brain on Conflict

Have you ever walked into a meeting ready to speak your mind, only to freeze the moment tension rises? Or maybe you’ve found yourself snapping in a heated argument before you even realize what’s happening. Conflict can feel overwhelming, as if your brain has been hijacked. But the truth is, you can train yourself to respond differently.

The Brain’s Salience System: Why Conflict Feels Like a Threat

Conflict isn’t just stressful—it feels dangerous. Studies (for reference, see these two example studies in Nature Communications and Frontiers in Psychology) suggest that the brain’s salience system plays a central role in detecting and prioritizing potential threats, especially in high-conflict situations. That’s because the brain’s salience system—a network that includes the anterior insula, dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, and amygdala—detects and prioritizes potential threats. When tension rises, this system kicks into gear, narrowing focus, heightening emotions, and triggering instinctive reactions like fight, flight, or freeze.

These studies suggest that heightened activity in the salience system during conflict can impair cognitive flexibility, making it harder to process information and regulate emotional responses effectively. Research highlights how stress impacts cognitive control, and increasing activation in the salience system can inhibit prefrontal cortex function. This helps explain why we often react impulsively or struggle to articulate our thoughts under pressure.

The good news? You don’t have to be at the mercy of these responses. With the right strategies, you can train your brain to approach conflict differently.

Five Science-Backed Strategies for Managing Conflict

1. Regulate Before You Respond: Your first instinct in conflict is often a reactive one. Instead, pause. Take a slow, deep breath. This simple action helps shift your nervous system from high alert to a more balanced state, giving your cognitive control networks a chance to step in and shape a more constructive response.
2. Reframe Conflict as an Opportunity: How you perceive conflict changes how you experience it. Neuroscience shows that when we see a situation as a threat, we become defensive. But if we view it as a challenge—something to be explored rather than avoided—our brains engage in problem-solving rather than self-protection. Instead of bracing for battle, ask yourself: What can I learn from this?
3. Name What You’re Feeling: Putting emotions into words—what researchers call “affect labeling”—helps lower the intensity of emotional responses. When you say, “I feel frustrated” or “I feel unheard,” your brain shifts activity away from the salience system and toward cognitive networks that help with regulation. This makes it easier to stay present and engaged.
4. Leverage the Power of Empathy: Humans are wired for connection. When you approach conflict with curiosity—seeking to understand the other person’s perspective—you activate neural circuits associated with social cognition. By reflecting back what someone is feeling (“It sounds like this is really important to you”), you help de-escalate tension and create space for more productive dialogue.
5. Commit to Conflict Resilience: In Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In, my co-author Bob Bordone and I introduce a three-step framework to transform how we engage with conflict: NAME (and dig deep), EXPLORE (and be brave), and COMMIT (and own the conflict). Our approach helps individuals develop the endurance to stay engaged in difficult conversations rather than avoiding or escalating them.

For example, consider a workplace scenario where two colleagues, Alex and Jordan, repeatedly clash over project priorities. "Why do you always push your agenda without considering mine?" Alex blurts out in frustration during a meeting. Jordan sighs, arms crossed. "Because every time we talk about this, it feels like you’re not even listening to me."

In the past, Alex might have shut down or avoided the conversation altogether. But after practicing conflict resilience skills, the next time this happens, he pauses, takes a breath, and says, "I hear that. This might sound awkward, but I think it’s important: Can we take a step back and figure out what matters most to both of us here?" That small shift opens the door to a more productive discussion, one in which they move from tension to collaboration.

Alex begins using the NAME step to reflect on how he’s recognizing and holding this conflict, catching how past experiences shape his reflexive reactions. Then, he applies the EXPLORE step by asking Jordan open-ended questions to better understand his concerns and motivations. Finally, he COMMITs to staying engaged, even when the conversation gets tough, ensuring that both perspectives are acknowledged and valued--but without Alex ever endorsing Jordan’s point of view.

After several conversations applying these techniques, Alex notices a shift—not just in himself, but in Jordan too. One day, Jordan initiates a discussion with a noticeably different tone: "Alex, I’ve been thinking about what you said last time. Maybe we can find a way to talk through both of our priorities." In that moment, Alex realizes that what was once a stressful cycle of avoidance has transformed into a dynamic of mutual respect and problem-solving, setting the stage for stronger collaboration moving forward.

Next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation, remember: your brain isn’t working against you—you just need to give it the right tools. Conflict doesn’t have to be something you dread. With the right approach, it can become an opportunity for deeper understanding, stronger relationships, and personal growth.