Frances Cohen Praver Ph.D.
She's Just Not That Into You Sexually
She's not sexually desirous enough, so what's he to do?
Posted Sep 04, 2011
"You're just oversexed." Cindy said.
Adam responded, "I'm not. I'm a healthy all -American male. Yes, I desire you, but you're too busy, too tired, to anything else than to make love with me. Do you really love me?"
"Of course I love you" Cindy said.
With pleading eyes, Adam said, "But you don't seem to want me sexually."
" I can't get that feeling back again." She whimpered as tears welled up.
So what's a guy to do?
Remember the high you felt when you first fell in love? The cloud nine feeling? Your partner may still love and care for you, but issues got in the way. When problems like misunderstandings, blame, criticism, control issues, poor communication, or empathy failures have not been resolved, most women lose their sexual desire. For the most part men , like Adam, do not lose their sexual desire.
What is missing for these woman is the dopamine rush ─the brain chemical that promotes ecstatic pleasure created by excitement, passion, spontaneity, eroticism ─ along with the oxytocin, vasopressin, endogenous opiods, and testosterone ─ that enhance attachment, loyalty, trust, romance, and lust. Serotonin and GABA the good mood neurotransmitters are also on hold. And it seems there's nothing you can do to bring that incredible erotic feeling of lust back to her.
But you can.
No matter the rut you are in, no matter how dispirited you feel, no matter the short supply of good mood neurotransmitters and love inducing brain chemicals, you can change all of this. You can help bring back romance, passion, and sexual desire. You can help reconnect love and lust.
The first step is to work hard on resolving the old relationship problems that I describe in my book The New Science of Love: How Understanding the Brain's Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship (Sourcebooks, Casablanca, 2011).You are then on your way to creating change.
Although you can't overtly change your partner's sexual desires for you, you can change your behavior. Because you are linked to your partner with mirror neurons, when you change how you approach her, she will change as well.
In order to kindle the flame of desire in your partner, it will be helpful to understand some of the brain differences between the two of you. Men are endowed with more testosterone, the sex stimulating brain chemical, and so they become aroused and reach orgasm much faster than women. Oxytocin and vasopressin, the brain chemicals that trigger bonding, love, loyalty, friendship, and romance are more readily available for women. That means that you can turn your partner on by romancing her, making her feel special, listening to her emotional needs, trying to gratify them, treating her like a best friend as well as a lover.
Here then are some specifics which your partner and you can enjoy.
Action begins in the mind. Research shows that imagination can change the brain and trigger the release of love-inducing chemicals. Ask your partner to visual the scene when she was in love with you and sexually aroused. How did you seduce her, or did she seduce you? How did you both feel? Was it mutual, spontaneous, and reciprocal? Mirror neurons were reflecting the magic of lust to you and your partner.
Take the Fantasy Further
Ask your partner to join you in fantasizing about a delightful romp in the afternoon in broad daylight, or a romantic candlelit dinner at home with lovemaking between courses. Together, you will make a mental picture of the verbal and sensual foreplay that aroused both of you in the past. For a thrilling experience ask her to change things up in her mind. So if you always initiated foreplay, let her imagine that she is undressing you and beginning the action.
Set the Stage
Before you act on your sexual arousal, create a safe distance that can be even more titillating. Send steamy texts, emails or phone calls to your partner. Forget modesty; be explicit and even raunchy. Tell her exactly what you'd like her to do to you and what you'd like to do to her. Her mirror neurons will reflect your lack of inhibitions and she may even top you with her free abandon. At this point, you both feel a compelling sexual longing for each other. Stay with the experience and let it dig deep into your brain.
Behind the Scenes
Novelty is vital to successful love making, so there is nothing quite as exciting as new experience. In my book, The New Science of Love, I provide a brief overview of Tantric Sex. You can practice these ancient Hindu rituals with or partner or any other types of exotic love making that you would like.
The Main Act
Surrender to the ecstatic feeling that surface from deep inside of her and share these feelings with her. Only then can you both surrender to each other. The magic arises when you lose yourself in your partner only to find you self as you reach orgasm.
Remember also, that the clitoris is the area of the body that you should stimulate for your partner to reach an orgasm. Whether simultaneous with your partner or not, orgasm is the climax and you have rekindled the flame of desire in your partner with brain chemicals bathing the two of you.
The Final Curtain
Let's revisit the climax to move to the anticlimax. Once you have experienced the ecstasy of orgasm is that all there is? Not in the least; there's a lot more. Here is when you maintain intimacy for the long haul. Remember, lasting love without lust is hardly true intimacy, just as lasting lust without love is not true intimacy.
Experience the feelings of oneness, of complete immersion in your partner. Once the flame of passion dies down, slow burning coals continue a soft, warm afterglow. Allow the warmth to permeate your body, your mind, your brain, and reach out with affection to your partner. By affection, I mean kisses, holding one another, whispering amorous words.
Once the hot flame of desire has aroused erotic passion, an ebbing of sexual desire leaves a blanket of delicious warmth. But this is hardly the end point of love. And that's because there are no end points in real love; only new beginnings