How Often Are People Alone Because They Want to Be?

Studies of the amount of time that people spend alone can be very revealing. But they often fail to address a critical question: When people are alone, are they wishing they were with other people, or have they chosen to be alone? Concerns about unwanted solitude focus particularly on older people. The assumption seems to be that their solitude is not their choice; when they are alone, they are especially likely to feel lonely, isolated, and distressed. But is that really true?

When she was at the University of British Columbia, Jennifer C. Lay and her colleagues addressed all of those questions. They studied 100 adults in Vancouver, ages 50 through 85. Three times a day, every day for 10 days, the participants were asked to report whether they were alone, whether they wanted to be alone, where they were, what they were doing, and how they were feeling. The findings were reported in “Choosing Solitude,” published in the Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences.

Unlike so many studies in which the participants are mostly of European heritage, in this study, 56 percent were of East Asian heritage and many were immigrants. Another 36 percent were of European heritage, and the other 8 percent were of mixed or other heritages. They had the option to complete the study in English (57 percent), Mandarin (28 percent), or Cantonese (15 percent). The authors did not compare the East Asians to the other participants except to note that the East Asians were lonelier.

Almost two-thirds of the participants were women, about three-quarters were retired, more than 70 percent had some post-secondary education, and about half were low-income. Forty-three percent were not in a romantic relationship, but the results were not reported separately for those who were or were not single.

Participants were given electronic tablets and taught how to use them if they did not already know. Three times a day, for 10 days, they were prompted to describe their experiences. Prompts occurred in the morning, afternoon, and evening.

The key questions about solitude asked the participants whether they were interacting with other people and whether they wanted to be interacting with other people. Specifically, each time they were beeped, they were asked whether they were interacting with someone or whether they were alone. Being alone included being totally alone, as well as being among other people but not interacting with them (as might happen, for example, when out shopping or walking city streets). The analogous question asked what situation they wanted to be in—interacting with other people or alone?

The participants were also asked questions about their feelings (loneliness, happiness, calm, sadness, etc.), and they reported where they were (e.g., outside, home, public building, traveling) and what they were doing (e.g., social activity, physical activity, passive leisure, self-care).

Alone time in the lives of older adults

Regardless of their age, the adults were alone much more often than they were interacting with other people.

When the participants were beeped, they reported that they were alone 70 percent of the time—either completely alone (44 percent) or that there were other people nearby, but they were not interacting with them (26 percent). They were interacting with another person only 30 percent of the time.

The older adults (76-85) were no more likely to be spending time alone than the relatively younger adults (50-75). Other research that includes a wider range of ages shows that older people spend more time alone. For example, a study that included adults of all ages found that the youngest adults (under 40) spent the least amount of time on their own, and the oldest adults (60 and older) spent the most time alone.

Solitude is mostly chosen. When people are alone (either totally alone or alone with other people nearby), 86 percent of the time, it is by choice: They want to be alone.

The older adults were no more or less likely to want to be alone than the relatively younger adults. That finding is noteworthy because it addresses the assumption that when older people are alone, they are especially likely to feel distressed about that. Some really do, and that’s important. But it is also important not to assume that every old person feels that way, or even the majority of them.

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People who are alone because they want to be alone feel less lonely. The people who more often said that they wanted to be alone were the ones who were less often lonely. The matter of choice is key to our understanding of the difference between painful loneliness and the more positive experiences of being alone. Some people, such as the “single at heart,” love their time alone. They appreciate what solitude has to offer, such as the opportunities to enjoy rest and relaxation, to be creative, to experience spirituality, and to feel more in tune with your authentic self. In contrast, when people are alone because they have been excluded or marginalized or stigmatized, alone time can be lonely and painful.

The link between wanting to be alone and feeling good about being alone is not perfect. Sometimes when people are feeling distressed, they’d rather be alone than with other people who don’t make them feel any better. Maybe that’s why the relatively younger adults (ages 50-75) reported feeling less excited and happy when they wanted to be alone. The same was not true of the older adults (76-85): They did not feel any more or less excited or happy when they wanted to be alone than when they wanted to be interacting with other people.

When people wanted to be alone and spent their alone time in passive leisure, they felt calm and satisfied. Passive leisure includes any leisure activities that do not involve physical activity—for example, reading or watching TV. The participants were not asked which particular leisure activities they were engaging in, but whatever they chose seemed to be working for them. They wanted to be alone, they were doing something relaxing, and they felt calm and satisfied.

When people were alone, they were more likely to be at home than outside of their homes, and more likely to be inside somewhere (such as their home or a public building) than to be outside. The older people (76-85) were more often at home and less likely to be outside when they wanted to be alone. The relatively younger adults (50-75) were no more or less likely to be at home or outside when they wanted to be alone. Studies of even younger adults, such as college students, sometimes find that they seek solitude in nature. The adults in this research were more often at home when they were alone, and among the oldest, they were more often at home when they wanted to be alone.

What it means to be alone and to be old

Consistent with many other studies, this research showed that being alone is not the same as being lonely. In fact, the more the adults in this study wanted to be alone, the less lonely they felt. The vast majority of the time (85 percent), when people were alone, it was what they wanted.

The relatively older people in this study (76-85) spent no more time alone and were no more likely to wish they were interacting with other people than the relatively younger people (50-75). In fact, it was the relatively younger adults, and not the older ones, who felt a little less happy when they were alone. When the adults in this study were alone, they were most often at home, and for the older participants, that’s just where they wanted to be. They had chosen their solitude, they had chosen where to enjoy their solitude, and they were feeling fine.