Is Calling People “Toxic,” Toxic?

I'm not toxic!

Source: Created by the author using ChatGPT

In meetings, they seem keen to disagree with you. When they are unkind, you see maliciousness. And when they don’t behave as you imagine you would, you see rudeness. Are these the toxic co-workers we have heard about? Or is this label misunderstood and overused, upending a much-needed move toward more compassionate, accepting, and resilient workplaces?

Unfortunately, toxic behaviours do persist in workplaces. Over my 25 years in business and leadership education, I have heard stories of workplace behaviour that is clearly toxic: abuse, persistent aggression, bullying, or nonstop incivility. There is a need for continued vigilance regarding the wide-ranging costs and dangers of workplace toxicity.

However, I see a disturbing trend toward an offhanded use of this very strong and potentially harmful label. I cannot run a class or a workshop without hearing about how "toxic" someone is. Further probing then reveals that most toxic categorizations refer to things like poor communication, hurt feelings, petty disputes, and unreasonable expectations of people.

Is Toxic a Definitive Thing?

There are huge discrepancies and misunderstandings regarding what constitutes a toxic person. These exist among researchers, across the popular press, and in social media.

One attempt to nail down the toxic label led to the “Toxic Five” attributes: disrespectful, non-inclusive, unethical, cutthroat, and abusive. While knowing these attributes can be useful, they are far from a set of reliable interpretations. They were drawn from a list of 128 things that employees “discussed negatively.” Something that is discussed as "negative" is hardly an indicator of toxicity. Further, even the top five items in the list are so broad and open to interpretation that they would give an inkblot test’s ability to elicit projection a run for its money.

One construct of toxic workplace behaviour defines it as that which is “palpably malicious” and ultimately "harmful to employees.” But the researchers caution that toxicity does not simply manifest from individuals who are themselves “toxic.” Intractable conflicts and so-called toxic interactions stem from a complex set of dynamic individual and systemic variables. The "toxic" label’s lack of clarity can make it more likely to be applied too broadly and unfairly, a human tendency that is well known.

Using categories to describe others enables us to make sense of complex, dynamic, and sometimes conflicting information about people. But the value is accompanied by more insidious human tendencies like biased and erroneous beliefs, and even dehumanization.

What Happens When You Call Someone Toxic?

Once you decide someone is toxic, you are likely to outright dismiss them. Writing someone off completely can be a big loss for both of you. Accountability in relationships is avoided, and your own "blind spots" remain unchecked.

I have seen how an unfairly applied toxicity label plays out. It sticks to the target like a nasty nickname does to a young child. It becomes difficult—if not impossible—to shake. It can also prevent the development of critical thinking skills and independent reasoning.

The “toxic” moniker can lead to missed opportunities with others who might be difficult or different, or who have challenges we don’t know about. Once we decide a person is toxic, we throw away opportunities for growth, learning, and making a positive difference at work. As workplaces become more polarized, we could really use more of that positivity.

Get a Handle on Mislabelling

1. Dial back extreme labels. 'Toxic’ is a nasty "label." It means "poisoning" or "insidious harm." Deciding that someone is, in fact, "toxic" won’t help you fix a relationship at work. Two important and well-documented approaches to make getting along at work are understanding your biases and accepting the limitations of your own perspective.

For example, the framing bias describes how our decisions and actions become influenced by the way in which information is presented—or "framed." A toxicity frame may make that relationship irreparable. But one that includes the fallibility of your own judgment could spark a search for different approaches, advice, or even empathy.

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In my early days of leadership education, we had a saying: “Once you firmly apply a nasty label to another person, you turn them into an a—hole”. When we see a negative quality as being an inseparable part of who someone is, we continue to find that quality in them. Consequently, a "toxic" characterization becomes hard to "un-see."

Words are powerful. Our use of them can obscure their meaning and profoundly impact how we see the world around us. This happens regardless of whether the altered meaning is accurate and useful or if it’s misinterpreted and harmful. So change your words. Try "difficult" or "challenging," or even better, try telling yourself that it is you who needs to learn how to manage this better. A label of "someone who I have not figured out how to work with yet" will likely serve you better than "toxic."

Quick and definitive categorization makes perception easier, but it can lead to oversimplified assessments that inhibit complex understanding and make you less flexible and empathetic.

2. Consider what you don't know. An outside perspective can help you reflect before you judge. You might discover that your perspective is skewed or narrow, and that although you are not a terrible person, you are part of the problem.

It’s no fault of your own. The vast quantity of social media that is consumed profoundly warps perceptions of what is normative workplace behaviour. Those that are unpleasant, but manageable and expected, become viewed as toxic when they are not.

When you perceive those who disagree with you to be toxic, you may find their behaviour to be more extreme and indicative than in actuality. What’s more, people actually get hooked on outrage towards those deemed to be toxic.

In any work environment, people will at times have conflict or be jealous, be bothersome, mean, or difficult. This does not mean they are "toxic."

Watch for behaviours that don't warrant this label:

• You experience disagreement.
• Someone checks up on your work.
• Someone gets angry at you.
• Someone is (in your estimation) rude.
• A team member is louder than you think you are.
• You lost your job and you don't like the way it was done. (Who does?)
• You heard someone use one of the many phrases deemed by the internet to be "toxic."

Experience and an outside perspective can help you see things more realistically. It may help you understand (but not necessarily agree with or be OK with) the behaviour of others.

There are many who have problems you simply cannot (and will not) know about or discover, like the 23 percent of American adults who report struggles with mental health in the past year. Don’t apply the toxic label to someone who needs your empathy and compassion.

Even the most insightful person simply won’t know about someone else’s struggles. And the manifestation of a host of personal and health-related problems can look a lot like what we label as "toxic": difficult, irritable, argumentative, or even mean. If they are going through a breakup, dealing with financial problems, caring for a sick relative, or suffering from a health problem, levelling a "toxicity" label won’t help. In fact, it could disrupt the psychological safety required for them to feel helped and supported at work.

3. Use gratitude. If the toxicity comes from someone that you do need to work with, try to "take the high road.” For example, give before you judge. Those I teach often expect others to be the first to do the right thing. This is a poor strategy, mostly because you are not them. So, you go first.

Instead of writing them off, try kindness: a warm gesture like asking about their day, inquiring about what they have been working on. Even better, show curiosity about something you know they care about. Simple acts of kindness like gratitude, compliments, and even just saying “thanks” can have disproportionately positive impacts on others and can include a number of tangible improvements in interpersonal relationships.

Even a seemingly undeserved act of compassion can buffer the effects of previous incivility. No need for grand gestures, just hold back on the judgment and send an appreciation note. Yes, if the person is on your toxic list, this can be hard...but that’s when it matters the most.