How to Develop Self-Compassion Skills

Do you find yourself being harshly self-critical after you’ve made a mistake or failed to meet a personal goal? Familiar self-statements might be: “I can’t seem to do anything right!” or “I’m just not talented enough.”

Maybe you falsely assume that you must be harsh with yourself in hopes of getting better results next time. What you might not know is that your self-criticism may be making it less likely that you’ll succeed in the future.

Alternatively, you might struggle with a very different mindset, as in “I’m the best at this; I should have beaten the competition!” You may be operating under a vulnerable sense of self-esteem that is undermining your ability to be self-compassionate. Self-esteem based upon feeling superior to others doesn’t support self-compassionate thinking.

Self-compassion is a critical part of what constitutes self-care, along with self-nurturant behavior (exercise, healthy eating, etc.) and self-discipline. By developing a habit of self-compassionate thinking, you are less prone to anxiety, stress, depression, and relationship conflict. Additionally, you’re more likely to reach your personal goals.

If you tend to criticize or judge yourself, this shift in thinking will take directed effort and practice. The following guidelines may help you make this shift in both thinking and self-talk.

1. Replace harsh judgment with kindness toward yourself.

The most common block to self-compassionate thinking is the conscious or unconscious belief that we need to be critical of ourselves to avoid weakness or laziness. The mistaken idea is that, somehow, we’ll become weak if we are too forgiving of ourselves after a failure.

Research has repeatedly shown that this type of self-critical thinking does not improve our performance. On the contrary, when we feel safe and supported, we’re in the optimal mindset to do our best. When we treat ourselves with kindness, even in our own thoughts, our mental well-being improves, along with our performance outcomes.

2. Avoid the self-esteem trap.

When self-esteem is based solely upon the ability to perform better than others, it is difficult to feel worthy or adequate following a failure. In those moments of defeat, you may feel less capable or even less worthy as a human being.

The concept of self-esteem has been distorted in recent decades. It was first introduced by William James and then developed by Abraham Maslow as a higher-level human need, although it was later popularized by Nathaniel Branden (Maslow, 2013 Reprint of 1943 Edition; Branden, 1994).

In Maslow’s definition, self-esteem was based upon having self-respect, as well as gaining the respect of others. Respect for oneself often includes valuing one’s own strengths or talents. Respect from others is often based upon being recognized by others for our skills or accomplishments.

Having healthy self-esteem is seen as a motivating factor for exercising our choices and working toward our goals. However, it doesn’t require a sense of superiority over others. That feeling of superiority has been called the “self-esteem trap” because it sets us up for feeling “less than” others when we experience failure. Making mistakes or getting poor outcomes then becomes seen as a threat to our sense of worthiness, rather than as a sign of being a fallible human like everyone else.

3. Practice validating your own worth.

Whenever I give examples of helpful self-statements for strengthening self-esteem, I get a familiar response from clients. Many of them smile broadly and mention the “Daily Affirmations” sketches from past Saturday Night Live episodes. As corny as they seem, I challenge you to try them. The satirical Stuart Smalley was onto something.

Examples include:

• “I am worth it.”
• “I deserve kindness.”
• “I know who I am, and I am enough.”
• “I need to figure out what I can learn from this and then put it behind me" (Webb, 2014).

These thoughts reinforce self-esteem, which is based upon feeling good about yourself without devaluing others.

4. Focus more on our common humanity.

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An alternative to self-critical statements could be, “I’m only human and I can make mistakes, just like everyone else.” This more adaptive type of thinking has been referred to as “recognizing our common humanity” (Neff, 2011). It’s far more consistent with compassion for ourselves and for others.

You might recognize your strengths and vulnerabilities while also validating the strengths and vulnerabilities of others. All of us share certain anxieties, fears, frustrations, and moments of defeat. The shared human experience is that we are all imperfect.

Recognition of our shared humanity also helps to relieve the isolation many of us feel when faced with difficult circumstances. It usually helps to know that we are not alone during challenging periods of our lives.

5. Be mindful of what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling.

In order to catch ourselves in destructive self-critical thoughts, it’s helpful to practice mindfulness. As explained by Jon Kabat-Zinn, “Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing” (Warrington, 2016).

In those moments when you fall back to the habit of being self-critical, take note of what you’re doing to yourself. You might need to step back and recognize that you’re going through a difficult experience. As researcher and author Kristin Neff suggests, you can kindly accept your own habit of self-criticism and then replace it with a kinder response.

Mindfulness also keeps you rooted in the present. For those who are prone to dwelling on past hurts, self-compassion without mindfulness can keep you stuck in a rabbit hole of feeling victimized. A present-focused approach to self-compassion helps you cope with the current circumstances with less anxiety, negativity, or isolation.

6. Make the connection between self-compassion and compassion for others.

Maybe you were taught that self-compassion is selfish or that to practice self-compassion is to become self-absorbed. Or you might have been given the message, directly or indirectly, that there’s a danger of becoming too forgiving of ourselves. You might consider the following statement by the Dalai Lama:

“If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. If you have no compassion for yourself, you cannot develop compassion for others” (Warrington, 2016).

Concluding Thoughts

There are many reasons to practice self-compassion, including the likelihood of more personal contentment, better relationships, and improved performance outcomes. The tips described here are intended to provide guidance toward a focused practice. Although the shifts in thinking and attitudes might be difficult at first, they lead to helpful results, eventually becoming intuitive and natural.