Moving From Victim to Survivor to Thriver

Constant messages about trauma and victimhood pervade our national culture. It seems that every human being has been traumatized by an event or chronic events, by the circumstances of their birth, or due to their religious, cultural, racial, or gender identity. There is validity to the awareness that we have all been exposed to one type of trauma or another.

If we can agree that we’ve all experienced some form of trauma, we might see victimization from trauma as a universal life experience. Why do some victims remain stuck with a victim mindset while others move on and thrive?

What is the victim mindset?

“Why me?” “Why do bad things always happen to me?” “What have I done to deserve this?” These are all questions I’ve often heard from persons who have experienced trauma. They can become persistent thoughts that alter the way we see the world and other people.

A person with a victim mindset sees themselves as a constant victim of circumstances, or of other people, to the point of not recognizing their own ability to make choices. They feel that they have little or no control over their lives, regardless of the facts that show otherwise.

It’s easy to imagine how a person who feels little control over their life might give up whatever control they do have. Losing their sense of agency or influence over their own life course can create a vicious cycle of poor choices leading to more unfortunate circumstances.

Certainly, there is a vast range of types of trauma, and arguably there are various degrees of trauma. Internationally, the experiences of orphaned children living in war zones cannot be compared to that of an adult who survived a single traumatic event. While both require compassion and assistance, the child victim of warfare or abuse will likely need much more time to recover even after they’re provided with safety and stability.

Ongoing vs. past trauma

There are other important distinctions between those living in ongoing traumatic circumstances, in which their life or safety is threatened, versus those whose traumatic experience is in their past. When trauma is ongoing, as in abusive relationships, childhood neglect, or life-threatening illness, there is a greater risk that victim identity becomes permanent.

Moving beyond victim identity can begin only after the person feels safe, stable, and supported. This is true for people in a wide range of circumstances, including abused children, adults living with domestic abuse, and members of the military involved in warfare.

While not all trauma results in symptoms of PTSD (DSM-5), all forms of trauma do require some degree of healing. Just as there is no one form of trauma, there is no single treatment of choice. However, once the recovery period begins, the process involves common stages, which take varying amounts of time.

Short-term vs. long-term response to trauma

Regardless of how we define trauma or how it has been experienced, the role of a therapist is to guide the person through processing what happened, identifying the current emotional or functional consequences for themselves, and eventually moving beyond those harmful consequences.

This is not to suggest that the process of recovery is easy or one-directional. It requires consciousness, intent to heal, and a supportive community. What it does not require (and what is actually destructive) is the permanent adoption of a victim mindset.

To be clear, the acknowledgement of victimization has a short-term benefit of shifting any blame from the harmed person(s) to the perpetrator(s). This shift is often an important part of healing due to the all-too-often tendency of victims to self-blame or to feel irrational guilt about what happened to them. Victimized persons do need compassion and support to facilitate their healing.

But, in the longer term, we do not benefit from staying in a victim mindset or holding onto that identity, consciously or unconsciously. While it can be helpful for the short-term, it is destructive in the longer term.

Recognizing the feelings associated with a victim identity

Predominant feelings of those with a victim mindset include helplessness, vulnerability, shame or guilt, discouragement, and/or self-pity. Resentment and bitterness are also common among those who see themselves as victims of their life circumstances. Although resentment and anger might be healthy emotional responses in the short term after certain types of traumatic events, they become unhealthy and hurtful to the person who was victimized if they remain for the long term.

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The victim mindset becomes self-defeating when it persists beyond the necessity of accepting the reality of what happened and how that past continues to affect the present. Persistent feelings of helplessness or vulnerability can lead to chronic pessimism or hopelessness, at the least. At worst, it can lead to a revenge mindset in which the objective becomes making others miserable also.

Survivor mindset

Trauma can be paralyzing, leaving us in a state of shock and fear so profound that each day feels like a struggle to survive. As noted by trauma treatment expert, Bessel Van Der Kolk, “a central task for recovery is to learn to live with the memories of the past without being overwhelmed by them in the present.” (Van Der Kolk, 2014).

A major goal of therapy for trauma is to guide the person from the initial state of shock, fear, or numbness, to an ability to cope day by day. This is what is generally meant by the survivor mindset. The survivor mindset helps us to keep going, moving forward, with less suffering and more hope. It’s characteristic of the middle stage of recovery from trauma.

Survivors might be described as resilient, independent, and hopeful. There are benefits to fostering these traits in order to keep functioning in our daily lives as we move past the immediate effects of trauma.

In addition to these traits, those who identify as survivors tend to be fiercely independent. When support is offered to them, they often respond with “I’m good” or “I’ve got this.” Life is still seen as a struggle, but this mindset helps them to persist.

Intention to thrive

I believe that there’s a better outcome possible for each of us: the long-term possibility of not only surviving but thriving. Thrivers have a mindset that anything is possible, with effort, support, and community. They believe that life is more than getting by each day with sheer grit. They see opportunities for growth and experiencing abundance. When traumatic events occur, there’s a deep sense of knowing that life will go on. Perspective is vital to their mindset.

Thrivers allow themselves to seek support and accept help from others. They value involvement in a community of some sort and seek out people with a similar mindset. They practice hope, gratitude, and humor.

Thrivers tend to ask themselves not “Why did this happen to me?” but, rather, “What can I do now?” In the words of poet and civil rights activist Maya Angelou, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.