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Living With Your Parents

A contract that can boost the chances of it working well for all.

Ryochiji, CC 2.0
Source: Ryochiji, CC 2.0

Despite the supposed recovery, Pew Research reports that for the first time in 130 years, more 18-to-34-year-olds live with their parents than in any other living arrangement.

Of course, that can be a source of tension if not misery. A number of my Millennial clients say their main reason to work is to afford their own apartment.

The following contract between parent(s) and child may make back-at-home living more pleasant for all concerned.

Of course, no one-size-fits-all agreement fits all. So consider this only as a starting place for your agreement. Add, delete, and adapt items as appropriate.

Note: This contract can be adapted for use with roommates.

A Back-at-Home Contract

Whereby it is recognized that it’s a privilege for an adult to get return to live with one’s parents but, as well, that parents have an obligation to allow the freedoms that come with adulthood, and that all cohabitants deserve living arrangements that yield the most net good, we [the returning resident and the parent(s)] do agree as follows:

Cleanliness

I (the returning resident) will keep our home at least as clean as it would have been in my absence, especially the common areas. If I desire, I may have some latitude regarding my bedroom.

Noise

We agree to keep the volume of music, TV, etc. to a level that is enjoyable to the listener but minimizing the annoyance to others. As appropriate, we’ll consider using headphones.

Food sharing

Before eating or drinking something that likely has been left for someone else, I will ask permission.

Costs

I will contribute $X a month, which covers an appropriate share of food, shelter, etc.

Work/career

If I am un- or underemployed, I agree to make reasonable efforts to look for work but you agree to keep nagging or even inquiring to a minimum. I will provide you with an at-least 30-second report at least once a day. That will avoid conflict, keep me accountable, and avoid my procrastinating as a way to retain control.

Advice-giving

As appropriate, I will solicit your advice. And I recognize that when it’s important, you will offer unasked-for advice. I will agree to fair-mindedly listen to it but retain the right to reject it.

Advice-giving usually comes with a price: It can feel disempowering and engendering of defensiveness and increased resistance to your ideas. Also, it’s contrary to developmental psychology: This is a time in life in which I’m expected to separate and individuate even if I may stumble somewhat along the way. Of course, if you sense I’m in serious trouble, for example, drug addiction or even losing my life, you have the right to intervene.

Mind-altering substances

We agree that our policy regarding use of alcohol and other mind-altering substances is: __________________.

Sex

As an adult, I am entitled to a sex life, and where I live is an appropriate place for that to occur. That said, I will try to be respectful about it, for example, not have an audible romantic encounter in earshot of you. I’ll ask you to do the same.

In general

Of course, many contingencies cannot be placed into a contract. We will attempt to be our wisest, most thoughtful selves so this can be a good, even wonderful experience.

This contract may be revised at any time by mutual consent of the parties.

_________________ _____________________ _______________ _____

Person 1's signature Person 2's signature Person 3's signature Date

Note: I encourage you to see the suggested additional items in the comment below by "Your Reader from Pennsylvania." They're excellent.

Marty Nemko’s bio is in Wikipedia. His newest book, his 8th, is The Best of Marty Nemko.

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