The Agony and the Ecstasy of Accountability

Owning our mistakes, flaws, and transgressions is not an easy endeavor. But as they say, nothing worthwhile is ever easy. The alternative, however, is living in our defenses where we deflect, blame, or dig our heels into self-righteous indignation. The toughest part is getting through the shame barrier.

Shame is an inhibitory emotion on the Change Triangle, the tool that teaches us about emotions. Shame is an emotion designed to keep us from acting in ways that get us banished from the people and groups we need, like our family, peer groups, religious groups, and communities. But when we grew up in environments that harshly punished us for our mistakes, shame tells us to keep our mistakes hidden, lest we “pay the price.” That’s how shame blocks accountability. It’s an excruciatingly painful emotion that makes it hard (or seemingly impossible) to be seen as selfish, hurtful, fallible, or wrong. The negative exposure is just too excruciating.

Consider Mark, who was deeply hurt when his partner Alison went out with girlfriends and didn’t invite him. Alison enjoyed a “girls’ night out.” But Mark’s disappointed face made her feel angry and bad about herself.

When Mark pouted, Alison got defensive, “You’re such a jerk! You don’t care about me. All you care about is yourself!” Her retort worsened their fight and their disconnectedness.

But Mark was allowed to be hurt. Feelings just are! And, in truth, Alison was leaving him alone, which he didn’t like.

Over time, she became self-aware that when Mark pouted, her anger came up because it felt like he was trying to hold her back. Alison also felt ashamed for hurting him and not wanting to take care of him.

From working the Change Triangle, Alison became calmer and steadier in her decisions. Without judging herself, she became aware of her anger and what it was for. She became aware of her shame, which decreased as she understood how it connected back to “lessons” she learned in her childhood that equated selfishness with self-care. These insights diminished her triggers. Not getting as affected when she saw his pouty expressions, she was better able to withstand Mark’s disappointment. As a result, she could control her defensiveness—a major accomplishment!

All this change in Alison led to her willingness and ability to be more accountable for her needs and actions. She now responded to Mark with greater understanding.

She said, “I do like to spend time alone with my girlfriends. It’s very important for my well-being. And I understand that hurts you. I hope you know that I love you even though I also like to spend time with my girlfriends.”

Mark still didn’t like those times when Alison went out without him. And he still pouted. But her efforts to be loving and accountable for her hurtful actions made Mark calmer and less reactive. Alison felt less resentful, freer, and more positively connected.

In the natural course of relationships, we will hurt each other. But if we can own our actions and the hurt they have caused, even if we didn’t mean to cause hurt, emotions will calm, and the road towards repair will be paved. The connection to both our authentic self and to others will strengthen because we are being true to ourselves. Being accountable for my hurtful actions, even if I didn’t mean to cause hurt, has freed me from my defensiveness. It’s improved my family relationships immensely. I am paying forward this advice to you.